Washing my hair is a PROCESS. It’s thick, tangled, bleached and wavy. Washing it takes a good 20+ minutes after toning with purple shampoo, leaving it to sit for about five minutes and then slapping on a hydrating, conditioning mask because it needs a whole lot of love. Since I usually wait about 7-10 days between washings, it’s kind of an event. And drying? That shit takes at least a day. I can’t blow it dry on my own, so if left to its own devices it remains damp for at least 12 hours.
That’s why washing my hair is an event I will avoid at all costs. Here’s what I’d rather do than wash it — I’ve gotten really good at making excuses for my lack of shampooing.
1. Trolling for furniture on Craiglist. Oh, I can’t wash my hair – I’m hunting for the perfect white and gold French Regency style bedroom set for under $300. Oh, and now I’m going to search “Hollywood” and see what I can find. Wait, do I need a Marilyn Monroe cutout wall clock?
2. Better call my mom and catch up; I haven’t talked to her all day, and I sure can’t talk to her with a head full of suds.
3. Gotta do some writing! I’m so behind!
4. Maybe I should put on a face mask while I do it? I can’t wash my hair with a face full of seaweed, and it has to sit at least 20 minutes to really soak in, know?
5. There’s a lot of trash in the house. I better take it out. While I’m at it, I should wash the dishes. A clean house > clean hair.
6. My hair doesn’t look THAT dirty. It looks good! It looks edgy and “undone.” This is like, magazine-quality hipster hair. I can just wear it in a bun for a few days…
7. You know, I’ve got a LOT of emails to answer. I should start doing that. It’s really rude to leave people hanging.
8. Time to look at all 100+ vacation photos my cousin just posted. Totally interesting.
9. Cosmo.com just posted a Kim Kardashian slideshow! Gotta click through and send my friend my favorite moments.
10. In honor of the Kimye wedding, E! is playing old episodes of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” I’ve seen them all, but maybe I missed some of the more nuanced moments.
11. My clothes are upstairs. If I’m going to wash my hair, I have to shower, and then I might as well shave my legs, and I don’t like going upstairs naked because I get cold…
12. Someone’s running the water downstairs. Can’t wash my hair in cold, trickling water.
13. It’s 3+ hours before I have to go to sleep. Can’t go to bed with wet hair. It looks funny when I wake up.
14. The cat just laid down on me! I can’t get up and disturb him. That’s just cruel.
15. Let’s text all my friends and see if anyone wants to meet me for a drink. Can’t go out of the house with wet hair, can I?
16. Fall down as many internet K-Holes as possible. Teenagers talking about their perfume collection, murder stories, Instagram hashtags … click them all. Delve into the corners of the internet. Then write an essay about the weirdest shit you find.
17. Now is a great time to start working out. At least a few push-ups…
18. There’s a Time Life music infomercial on! These are literally my favorite thing on tv ever and I’ve only seen this R&B one once before!
19. I feel like perfecting my version of egg-in-the-hole. Wet hair will just absorb the frying smell.
20. Oil is good for my hair. It needs moisture. I’ll wash it tomorrow.