After a year or so “vacation,” I am back working at the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn. If you didn’t know, it’s the biggest mall in the U.S. and therefore, quite a tourist attraction in its own right. I’m so used to it by now that I don’t even notice its size, but people come from far, wide and Nebraska to visit it. Some of these people have a personal style that should have stopped in 1992. Seriously, though. These are the beauty trends I’ve seen on the reg at MOA that need to GTFO immediately.
These skunkline strips of blonde/black/burgundy should have died with TRL in the mid-2000s. I see chunky highlights every day, sometimes multiple times a day. They really don’t do anything for your hair color, lady. Good highlights are subtle, bringing light to your face and depth to your color.
Over-the-top acrylic nails with French tips
I have acrylic nails and love, love, love them. I refuse to ever a) wear them ultra-squared off and b) ever let anyone paint so much as a stripe of a French manicure on them. French tips do not make you look classy. They make you look cheap, especially if your nails are shaped into intense rectangles. An almond shape or a “squoval” is so much prettier!
You want your acrylics to look classic and moneyed? Paint them pale pink, milky white or bright red. And French manicuring your toes? Oh god, please no. French tips make me shudder, but French TOES are far, far worse.
The Kate Gosselin
Disclaimer: I’m allowed to say this because I hail from North Dakota: whenever I spot a mom with the old Kate Gosselin hairdo (you know, angled and long in front and short and spiky in the back) with chunky highlights to match, I know she’s from North Dakota. I’m usually right. Kate Gosselin herself has moved on from this hairstyle, and so should you. The angled cut can be done right and looks really cute if it’s tailored to your face. The Kate Gosselin is never cute. It didn’t even look cute on Kate.
Why does anyone want maroon hair? I am all for unnatural hair colors if done well, but burgundy toes the line. It looks like you’ve barely passed your first year in beauty school. Go auburn. Don’t go burgundy. And especially don’t pair that shit with bright yellow-orange highlights. My friend accidentally had this hair color happen to her in 2001 and she cried for two days. In addition, burgundy is a hard color to pull off for a variety of skintones, but especially with the fake-bake tan I see it most often paired with.
The Middleton sisters line their eyes all the way around too, and I keep waiting for the day they realize it’s not flattering and move past it. Drawing all the way around your eye looks amateurish. Someone was trying to tell me it makes your eyes look bigger, but that’s totally not true. If you insist upon lining both top and bottom from corner to corner, please don’t do it in harsh, thick black. Try a more natural brown shade.
I think ombre has had its moment and only support it on Khloe Kardashian, who looks so gorgeous with an ombre. If you’re going to do it (and I really do think it can be done well!) then please, don’t let someone toss some bleach on your ends and then wash it out so you end up with dark roots and orange tips. That ain’t pretty. And if your ends are as damaged and rough as mine, then I beg you not to ombre until you’ve had a trim.
This isn’t a beauty trend, but damn. Please, please, all denim manufacturers: stop making bedazzled jeans. They were passable in 2005 but they’ve got to die NOW. For the love of god. Nothing screams “yokel” like thick, white stitching and sparkles on your butt.