Ever spent most of your Sunday afternoon hungover on the couch watching HGTV all day? Yep, that’s me right now. I’m learning a lot about home ownership via repeated viewings of “House Hunters” and “Property Brothers.”
1. Ceiling fans are the devil. Apparently they’re a massive eyesore? I’ve never lived in a residence with one, so I’m not sure if they’re actually functional but no couple on “House Hunters” ever wants to live in a house with a ceiling fan. Why is that? Don’t they circulate air and keep the room cool in the summer?
2. “Man caves” are very important indeed. I’ve seen episodes of “House Hunters” where the husband character repeats that it is a necessity – just as important as food and water, people! – that he has a “man cave to watch the game in.” As soon as he says this, I know that his wife probably spends a lot of time on Pinterest.
3. The female version of a man cave is a giant closet. Or double sinks in the bathroom.
4. The kitchen is never big enough. Even if it’s the size of my current apartment, one -half of the house hunting couple will wrinkle their nose and say, “I just can’t envision us cooking here and hosting our friends. It’s so small and cramped.”
5. There are so, so many ugly houses in the United States. Where do they find these things? These outdated monsters with wood paneling and pink carpet and lumpy sofas straight out of 1992? Oh, that’s right – Nebraska.
6. People have a surprising amount of money. Once I got caught up in “Island Hunters” and was blown away that a normal-looking couple from Wisconsin of all places (I can say that because I’m in Minnesota) had the millions to purchase an island. Where do people get this money? How can you just wake up one day and decide, “OK, we can spend $690,000 on a house right now!”
7. People are put off by wallpaper. It changes their perception of a house. YOU CAN PEEL IT OFF, DUDES.
8. The women on “Property Brothers” are ALWAYS. PREGNANT. How can you afford to buy and renovate a new house and then have a brand new baby?
9. Granite countertops are the height of all fashions. I disagree with this quite strongly. I prefer quartz.
10. Every living room needs a sectional. Barf. America loves sectionals!
11. Previous owners let their houses fall into disrepair. How many times do the Property Brothers have to derail a budget because there’s a huge plumbing issue or there’s asbestos in the walls? Always.
12. Apartments in Europe are small. Deal with it. (“House Hunters International” is my favorite of the franchise.)
13. Master bedrooms must be massive. Why is that? Do you really need a giant bedroom? Nobody really hangs out in their bedrooms; they’re in the basement watching TV.
14. Husbands and wives rarely agree when it comes to home essentials. He wants a big yard; she says it’s too big. She wants a single-level and he insists on two floors. Marriage must be hard.
15. A beautiful giant chef-grade stove costs $6,000. That’s the remaining balance on my Wells Fargo student loan. Just saying.
16. After watching hours of “Property Brothers” you begin to think that you too can create a gorgeous home out of a real dump. Then you remember that they get all that stuff for free and only renovate a few rooms! So the new residents have a beautiful kitchen and bedroom but a really crappy bathroom, right?
17. When house hunting, you get three options and then you pick one. That’s how it works according to TV.