I’m just about to get my period. You know how I know? I burst into tears listening to the radio this morning simply because they said the words “North Dakota.” I also purchased 12 Cadbury eggs last night. These are only a few of the slightly-crazy, almost-irrational things I do when I’m PMSing. The rest? Well … here’s what I do.
1. Listen to the same two sappy country songs (I prefer “The Chair” and “You Look So Good in Love” by George Strait) on repeat.
2. Eat two or more Cadbury eggs while lying in a tiny ball on the couch in my underwear, covered by my fur coat.
3. Cry at commercials. All of them. Cheerios, Ziploc, Fancy Feast, Charmin…
4. Pizza Rolls. Lots and lots of Pizza Rolls.
5. Burst into tears at any Garth Brooks song that starts playing on the radio.
6. Have incredibly vivid dreams about savagely murdering my ex-boyfriends, even those I’m still friends with.
7. Find myself standing in front of the fridge with an empty bag of shredded cheese and no idea where the cheese all went … until I see the bits on the floor around my feet.
8. Watch lots of baby YouTube videos. I’m talking hours. Mourn my empty womb … kind of.
9. Start crying when the cat is being exceptionally cute.
10. Find a handful of reasons why I need a pink Juicy Couture velour sweatsuit. In 2014.
11. Make any and all men in my life reassure me that I’m pretty. It’s usually just the cat who answers.
12. Ruthlessly bleach the bathtub, scrubbing until my hands are all red. I even clean the shower grout.
13. Get really, crazily jealous of all my girlfriends for ____ reason. (Boyfriends, hair, jobs, cats, shoes … everything.) It goes away the next day.
14. See dogs on the street and start crying.
15. Buy a bunch of cheap Danielle Steel novels at the thrift store. Read them all. Possibly seek out the TV movies on YouTube.
16. DVR all my favorite “period movies,” like “Selena” and “My Best Friend’s Wedding” and “Sweet Home Alabama.”
17. Clean and rearrange all cupboards, books, nail polishes, spices … you name it. I take the nail polishes out, arrange them by color and brand and then just leave them there for a few days like an art installation.
18. Start looking at pictures of presidents when they were young and thinking they’re hot. Even Nixon. Shudder.
19. Drink my weight in red wine, then feel even more miserable and bloated the next day.
20. Terrorize the house looking for ingredients to make white baptism-style sheet cake. There aren’t any. Eat powdered sugar instead.
21. Wander through Target in a daze for upwards of an hour and emerge with booty shorts, shaving gel and blue mascara.