There’s no escaping it: “The Bachelor/ette” franchise is inescapable. It’s been on TV for practically a million years now, at least in TV time. It might very well join shows like “The Simpsons” and “Days of Our Lives” in the long-running shows canon, which is something Tyra Banks and “ANTM” are probably gunning for as well with their trillion “cycles.”
Every season of “The Bachelor/ette” begins with a flurry of excited texts between me and my girlfriends–all of us smart, well-read, feminist, generally reluctant to TV shows like this. But for some reason, we’re hooked on this shit.
Each and every season I express my desire to be the latest Bachelorette. I’m 26, single, blonde and easily amused. And I would make my corral of contestants compete in the BEST challenges, I swear. Here’s what I’d incorporate into my season of “The Bachelorette.”
If you have white boy dreads, wear fedoras, listen to Mumford & Sons or believe in crystals, sorry, but no. Those are my dealbreakers. Don’t even try. There will definitely be a category on your application where you discuss the last three books you read, and if you write, “I don’t read books,” you’re instantly disqualified. Why people think that answer is attractive I’ll never know.
The Fast Food Challenge
In this challenge, my suitors would be given about $10 and told to bring back my favorite fast food meal. I will give no hints as to what this is; they should have gleaned it from our scintillating conversations over countless glasses of champagne. If they bring back anything I deem disgusting (Subway), they’re out. If they bring back Raising Cane’s chicken fingers with Texas toast and extra Cane’s sauce, we’re getting married immediately. Second prize goes to Dairy Queen chicken strip basket with an XL chocolate malt, extra malt, no whip or cherry.
The Panel Challenge
I would make Bachelorette history by insisting on bringing a panel of friends along with me. My suitors would have to impress said panel several times; I won’t waste time bringing them home to meet my family, even though rural North Dakota in summer would provide a lovely landscape shot. On the panel: my bitchiest gay friends, my girls with the best poker faces and the children (ages 10, 7, 2 and 1) I nanny for. If you can’t satisfy them, bye bye! If you wanna get with this – or at least get your 15 minutes of fame on a “People” magazine cover – then you must be game to dance all night at the gay bar AND play princess tea party with little Stella. I never said I was easy.
The Farm Challenge
When I DID take my suitors home to meet my family, I’d request they win my heart by working in the field, driving a tractor and booze cruising with my North Dakota friends. Bonus points if you can drive a stick shift.
The Rose Ceremony
Uh, no. I think red roses are tacky as hell. I’d work out a sponsorship with Bud Light Lime. If I want you to stay, you get a bottle!
A Special Musical Performance
Every season, the Bachelor/ette’s “favorite band” plays during a date. It’s usually a country artist with a single conveniently rising the pop-country charts. Not me! I’d want any and all of the following: George Strait, Lil Wayne, Hank Williams III or Shania Twain. And if we get married, you have no choice; our first dance is set to “Slow Motion” by Juvenile.
In the event that we a) actually like each other (hey, I’m a romantic! It’s possible!) or b) the producers insist I choose a man to propose to me on top of some seaswept cliff, please don’t give me a gross square-cut Neil Lane diamond. Give me a grand piano. Or a cattle ranch.