Inner Monologue Of Reading A Nasty Gal Email

Wait. They get new stuff several times a week. Why are you freaking out about this, Kara?

Aren’t you getting a little old for Nasty Gal anyway? You’re almost 26, which is way closer to 30 than 20. And how much of your Nasty Gal clothing do you ever even wear?
But let’s just look…

Oh shit! OMG! Look at that royal blue velvet dress. Long sleeves! I love long sleeves! Slit to the navel–that’s my favorite neckline! $78, not too bad…I wonder what that would cost to overnight it for my birthday party. That’s like the perfect dress for me, it’s totally Michelle Pfeiffer in “Scarface.” So ‘70s, so sick. I need to text a picture of it to all my girlfriends for approval.

No, stop right there! That’s ridiculous. You do not need that dress. You’ll wear it once.

These models are freaks of nature! They’re hot like Victoria’s Secret models, where they’re skinny with boobs. But they always look so hip and undone. Why doesn’t my hair look like that? It’s not fair. Where’s my favorite model, the one whose bio says she had a biker mom? She could sell me pretty much anything.

SEQUIN ROMPER. COOL. Definitely something I could wear all the time.

Um, wait. Sequins get very chafe-y. Remember your sequin jumpsuit? You basically have to put lube on your arms so it doesn’t cut them up.

That little red pinafore plaid dress, that’s cute. That’s really cute. I could wear that with tights and a big cable-knit cardigan and my little black booties. $50!

That’s so cheap.

Kara, you hate dresses with short sleeves and you hate high necklines. And empire waists make you look pregnant because you have big boobs. You don’t even own a cable-knit cardigan. That makes no sense. Let’s list some things you bought from Nasty Gal that you never wear, just to remind you:

Black and fluorescent striped bodycon dress- your “Kim K before Kanye” dress. Paid $40. Worn twice.

Bright blue pleather moto jacket. Paid $20 on super-sale. Never wore. Sold to Buffalo Exchange.

Slit-to-there black one-piece swimsuit. Paid $100. OK, you wear that a lot as a bodysuit so it gets a pass.

Strapless cream lace dress. Paid $68. Sent that back. STILL COUNTS.

NASTY GAL CARRIES HAIRCARE NOW?!? Is there anything they can’t do? $12 for curl cream, better put that in my tote. It looks really cute too; maybe I could write about it for something and then it pays for itself. The packaging is adorable! I’m almost out of my Aveda wave lotion and this is way cheaper.

This website redesign is really killing me. It looks so much better than the old one. There’s a gift guide? Better check that out! It IS my birthday soon…ooh, and what’s this 30% off one item, 40% off two thing? Anything I want?

STOP IT, Kara! You know that those extra percentages aren’t a deal because Nasty Gal sells a lot of the same brands your discount store does! They just pick the cuter pieces. You’re not going to save any money on those things AND you’ll have to pay for shipping.

OK, but I totally need that blue velvet dress. I could wear it for a Christmas party or something, right? Or just out to do karaoke? It looks just like me! All my friends like it too.

Oh wait. You don’t even go out. You’re not going to any Christmas parties. Do you plan on spending $78 on a dress you’re going to wear to watch “House Hunters” in while drinking wine with your cat?

But I need it! What if I get asked to some fab party? I actually have nothing to wear! I hate all my clothes! I would wear this all the time! And this low-cut red bodycon, I need that too. Just in case!