7 Ridiculous (But Real) Fears

Frédéric BISSON
Frédéric BISSON

What are the ridiculous things you fear? The ones that maybe you don’t confess to people right away for fear they’ll look at you funny or think you’re a nutjob? These are mine. I know they’re silly, but I’m still afraid of them for one reason or another. People are scared of what they’re scared of, OK? Tell me what your weird, irrational fears are in the comments, please.

Dodos.

I am insanely terrified of dodos. This extinct bird is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. Do we know that they actually looked like that, with the hooked beak of a toucan and a stocky chicken/turkey body? I was just at the Museum of Natural History in New York and was constantly peeking around corners to make sure there were no dodos in any dioramas waiting to surprise me. Thankfully, there weren’t.

Mammoths.

Same thing. TERRIFYING. You can taxidermy elephants, lions, buffalo – not scary. Taxidermy something extinct, or a replica of it anyway (I’m not THAT stupid), and I’m petrified. Fake, glass mammoth eyes haunt my dreams.

High heels and escalators.

Because I came from Nowhere, North Dakota, I didn’t actually SEE an escalator in real life until I was 12. I’m not kidding. My aunt won’t use one; she has to find an elevator even to go up one floor. Escalators are not scary, but riding them in heels is. I always approach it with fear and trepidation when I have heels on, which is often while at work.

The Statue of Liberty.

I can pinpoint the root of this fear, so it’s not really irrational. Do you remember how the Statue of Liberty winks at Fievel and that singing French bird at the end of “An American Tail?” That’s where my fear started. Even though she’s supposed to be a symbol of independence and a new life and the friendship between the U.S. and France, she is scary as hell to me. The picture of her face in this “40 Must-See Historical Photos” story gave me nightmares. My friend, trying to be funny, asked me if I’d be scared if he brought me up and didn’t tell me we were on top of the Statue. I said I would be able to tell, and yes, I would be so frightened they’d have to airlift me off.

Unexpected mannequins.

I’m not afraid of mannequins in their regular habitat, like department stores. I expect there to be mannequins there. I AM afraid of them in antique stores or thrift shops, where you turn a corner and suddenly there’s an old scary mannequin with a dusty wig wearing a Daniel Boone cap! WTF! Same goes for ventriloquist dummies, but those are totally scary as is.

Driving into the car wash.

I simply will not do this. No way. If someone else is driving, sure. I’m not scared of the actual car wash, just the driving into it part. If you want me to get in the passenger seat, cool. But no way in hell will I drive into it, and I have no idea why. The idea fills me with fear.

Strollers on escalators.

Escalators again, but whenever I see a parent put a stroller on one I want to scream, “THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! WHAT IF YOUR BABY FALLS OFF OH MY GOD NO NO NO!”

These are totally ridiculous, I know – except maybe the unexpected mannequins. Most people are probably a little afraid of mannequins coming to life because of all those weird ‘80s movies about it. TC mark

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