To My First True Love: I’m Sorry

It is amazing how fast thoughts change. A person opting to eat a salty meal can instead order the sweetest cuisine available; or a couple dreaming of being together forever can end up hating each other in a matter of minutes; or a person wanting to jump off a building can change his or her mind and choose not to. It’s inevitable. Change is inevitable. Thank God it is inevitable!

Because earlier this day, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to commit suicide for a very long time but I do not have the courage to do it. I was hurting every second I was alive. People said hurtful words towards me. They caused me to lose the will to fight. They killed me.

You see, I was dead even before you met me. I guess I was just waiting to be buried. I felt alone even though I am surrounded by genuine people. I guess that is what happens when someone is dead inside; you cannot see and feel the people around you because your brain and “heart” is not functioning properly. You just become busy hurting and being confused of what is happening to you. You crave for an answer that is already there but you refuse to accept it just because it is not what you want or what you are expecting.

I was ungrateful and selfish. I forced you to give me what I want instead of appreciating what you can offer just because I was hurting. I was a brat. I am sorry, deeply sorry. I am sorry for making you feel little towards yourself. I am sorry for taking away your confidence by saying cruel words. I am sorry for making our relationship about me and not about us. I am sorry if I made you think that is it possible for a person to say I love you but still give up on you. It is not possible. I am sorry for killing you. I am sorry if sorry is not enough.

Believe or not, I had a conversation with God. I feel much better now. I would still probably cry myself to sleep, but I know He will help me. I will be fine. We talked about you too. He was the one who made me realize all these things. It was an amazing experience. I was not expecting it to happen. I told God that I do not want to be with you. You do not deserve to love a dead person.

You are the most beautiful thing that happened to me. I know it is cliché but I mean it with all my heart. You are worthy. You deserve someone who will be sensitive and take care of your feelings. You deserve a cheesy woman who will spoil you, give you random gifts and long messages of how much she loves you. You deserve a woman who will let you buy her balloons and flowers, and someone who will let you hug her even though she is furious. You deserve someone who will make you genuinely happy because you are worthy of love. I pray that you will find her soon. I really do. I just want you to be happy even if it is not with me. I want you to be happy no matter what it means.

And as for me, I will take care of myself. Not because I do not need you, but because I need to regain my sense of trust. I need to face this alone because I do not want to see you hurting anymore. I do not want to drag you into this. I am done confusing you with my cruel words and my sweet actions. You deserve something more. You do not deserve a dead person. I love you so so much.