Modern Dating Is Lazy As Hell

Modern dating is lazy.

With the rise of dating apps (like Tinder), we have mediocre sex readily available in the palm of our hands 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s no surprise that no one actually wants to go on dates, or take the time to get to know each other anymore. Everyone just wants to bang.

Personally, for every one date I go on I had to wade through 150 Sultans of Snatch. Here’s how you spot one: they think they are king of the clitoris, and they aren’t interested in getting together unless it means them getting laid.

It seems like every conversation lately is the same:

They ask me what I’m looking for.

I respond facetiously with something along the lines of “the love of my life,” or my personal favorite, “a victim for my human sacrifice.”

They respond with “I’m just looking for a FWB and see what happens.”

I can’t even begin to tell you how incredibly lazy this is.

I’ve hooked up with plenty of these “see where it goes” guys. Spoiler, nine times out of 10, it never goes anywhere except a random 2 a.m. “you up” text every couple of months. I can guarantee you that I am almost never up at 2 a.m., and if I am I probably don’t want your drunk ass near or in me.

Also, for whatever reason, half the time when you tell a guy you’re not interested in casual sex, you get called “boring.” I’m not boring. I just know you’re too lazy to take a girl on a date before trying to hook up with her, and I know you’re probably not going to be very good anyway.

Example, I once hooked up with a guy who promised he was going to give me the best oral experience I was ever going to have in my entire life. Once he got down there, he didn’t do a damn thing. Absolutely no movement, and I wasn’t even sure he was breathing. I thought he died.

Once I realized I was wasting my best boob years on lame dick, I stopped the hookups. I got nothing for it in the end, though I should get a trophy room full of Golden Globes, all in the category of Best Fake Orgasm. I would have a Hollywood Star at this point with the number of orgasms I fake for “sex gods” who act like they’ve never seen a vagina before.

It is totally fine to not want a relationship, and it is totally fine to just want to get laid. For a long time, I was like that. You just need to be upfront about the fact that you are just looking to get laid by someone you never want to talk to again. There are plenty of people out there looking for the same thing.

I’ll be honest, I have a FWB. But in my situation, the intent was never to ” see what happens.” At the beginning of our arrangement, we had an honest discussion about what we expected of our arrangement. There was never any sort of gray area. He is younger than me (but not creepily so), and we are at different points in our lives where a relationship could never work between us.

He is very aware that I am dating, and if I were to pursue a relationship with someone else then things between us would end. We are the very bare minimum level of friendship. We don’t cuddle. We don’t hang out. Just sex that is satisfying for both of us while we seek to date other people who are more appropriate for the point we are at in our lives. No confusion, and no hurt feelings.

Telling me you want to “start as FWB” tells me that you don’t want to put in the effort to get to know me before sleeping with me. Despite this, you hope I will sleep with you anyway, we have enough sex and we tolerate each other well enough to move onto a “real” relationship, and BOOM. Instant relationship, with minimal effort on your part.

Maybe this has worked for some people, but in my experience, a relationship where the foundation is sex doesn’t work.

Fun fact, this is how my last relationship started. I was fresh out of a bad marriage and didn’t know how to be alone. I wound up in this FWB relationship that eventually became a “real” relationship. I was lonely, and he needed someone who was going to take care of him. We got comfortable in this toxic, but mutually beneficial relationship.

It came to a screeching halt when I finally realized after four years that he didn’t mean it when he said he loved me. I realized, too late, actions speak louder than words.

It took me four unhappy years to realize that a mature relationship didn’t mean having to act as someone’s mom. I decided that being alone and unhappy was much better than being with someone, and still feeling alone and unhappy.