When I began university, I was convinced student life was going to be all spiked punch in red plastic cups, naked babes at house parties and dudes driving around in open topped jeeps. Uni parties would largely involve drinking liquids through rubber hoses and being pushed into swimming pools with your clothes on.
Unfortunately… real life university is nothing like this.
With a bit of luck you will encounter some people at university who are really cool – they do exist. But unfortunately you’ll probably find that most are kind of weird and you’ll only talk to them to pass the time so you don’t have to sit awkwardly next to each other without saying anything while you wait for your class to start.
Here are the eight people that you will meet in your first week of university that will make you realize that even though everyone thinks they’re completely normal, the truth is… they’re not.
No one is.
1. The Bros
Somewhere in a totally different dimension in space and time there is a myth that university is really code for a tsunami of pussy waiting to be accessed by buff dudes who write on walls with permanent markers and drive shit cars. This is false. Yet for some reason the guys that are looking for pussy supreme, frat parties, those red cups filled with spiked punch and other fantastically amazing spring break related myths that only happen in the movies still go to university, and hate it.
2. The Mature Age Student
Inevitably there is a dude who has decided to throw in his bullshit 9-5 job working for The Man, and have the university experience he never had, or he’s trying to recreate the one he’s already had – back in 1964. Generally the Mature Age Student will be kind of paunch-worthy, wear bootleg jeans with a variety of vintage inspired t-shirts his wife bought him featuring phrases like ‘hang ten’ and ‘out of sight’. The thing about the Mature Age Student is he obviously has enough money to pay thousands of dollars a year to come to university, and therefore he may also develop a cocaine habit early on, plus he can afford to buy you drinks at the bar after class because hanging ten with you “makes him feel young again.”
3. The Sidekick
Sometimes its hard to know what’s worse: having no friends at university, or being friends with a dude who was three years below you in high school and who apparently thought you were cool. When you have no friends, you can bail straight out of class, slam a cheese sandwich and go home, but when you have a sidekick as a friend, you feel you constantly have to say intellectual things because you are scared that the second they no longer think you are cool, then you’re really scraping the bottom of the life barrel. Steer clear of kids like this, unless you can coerce them into carrying your backpack or buying you baked goods at the canteen.
4. The Simpson’s fan
This dude will most likely be found in the queue for the “Marxist Uprising” free sausage sizzle and will manage to somehow acquire his hot beef injection solely by communicating in Family Guy quotes. You’ll recognise him by his dull limp brown hair, loose jeans with pseudo rock and roll rips at the knees, and pop culture t-shirts that he bought over the Internet. These dudes always manage to hook up when they join the “Peter Griffin for President” or “Toasted Cheese and Mayonnaise Sandwiches are a way of life” groups on their first day of university. Generally they have weirdly generic faces with small eyes and often end up marrying the first girl they have drunken sex with at one of those obscure Tuesday night all you can eat pizza parties.
5. The Businessman
That self-righteous douche that studies Business at university. He wears an ill- fitting suit and swanks around carrying a briefcase filled with stolen pens, a geometry kit, muesli bars and a pant-load of other inconsequential shit. One day you’ll be sitting at a cafe with your friends talking about some farfetched money making ventures you’ve concocted, and The Businessman will come over with his calculator and start talking about ten year plans.
6. Mr. Gap Year
There will be at least dreadlocked dude in your course who smells like wet hair sandwiches, wears orange fisherman’s pants everyday and sports a tie dyed t-shirt
featuring some form of obscure marine life. The self- professed Buddhist has a guitar permanently strapped across his back just in case he needs to share the sweet
melodies of life with other disciples of nature around a uni campfire.
7. The Heavy Breather
At some point your tutor makes you work in pairs, which means you inevitably have to work with the dude who has breath that smells so bad it will make you want to shit your own piss. For some reason he speaks two bee’s dicks away from your face, so not only do the stink waves penetrate the inadequately thin gel layer that protects your eyes, but you can clearly see the specks of rank crusted milk around the corners of his mouth, and the little unshaven pube hairs fashioned into a mo that pepper his upper lip. Basically there’s nothing that can be done, brace yourself, don’t breath too heavy, and try to do most of the talking.
8. The Art Students
A group of cool cats who sit cross-legged on a grassy knoll in the shade with chai lattes speaking about things that are so ironic it would make your teeth bleed. They carry free-range canvas tote bags abound with 2B pencils, dragon fruit and Moleskine journals where they jot down their beatnik poetry about the trials of being institutionalised.