I Don’t Believe In ‘Casual’ Dating Anymore

Jessica Montgomery
Jessica Montgomery

“I’m interested in getting to know you both.”

That’s what the guy I was dating said to me when he texted one of my friends behind my back, and then my friend told me. Honestly, I’m not even surprised anymore.

At first, it brought up all of these feelings that we get as women, anyway.

“Why am I not enough for you?”

“Why do you want to date around?”

“Shouldn’t you just be interested in me . . . At least for the first two dates???”

This guy asked me out once, called it a date and proceeded to text me. Then when I invited him to a party, he met my friend, and he tried to ask us both out behind our backs. Then he tried to schedule us around each other on the same weekend.

But here’s a newsflash: Women talk. And smart girls don’t put up with this shit.

Guys like this think they can just play the field, and as women in today’s society, we’re just supposed to go along with it. We’re supposed to be “cool” with casual dating, even when guys are “casually dating” our friends. We aren’t supposed to assume that they’re only interested in us. We’re supposed to be chill.

But to quote the eloquent words of Alana Massey: “Fuck Chill.”

When a guy wants to date you and your friend (who you introduced him to) at the same time, chill has no place. Chill has gone out the window with sanity. Chill is so far gone you can’t even see chill anymore.

But the thing is, as someone who hates chill, I’m the one who is supposed to feel insane here.

This guy seems to think it’s totally fine that he asks me and my friend out at the same time without telling either of us. And when we find out and confront him about it, he doesn’t really apologize. He doesn’t have to. Women today are supposed to line up to impress men like we’re contestants on “The Bachelor,” and they get to date us all at the same time, and then pick which one they want.

Well, please, do me the honor of sending me home first without a rose. In his defense, he said that he has a hard time getting to know girls in groups. “I’m more comfortable getting to know people on a one to one level.” But here’s the problem with that. If you want to “get to know” people on a one-on-one level, then just be friends with them.

Just make it clear to them that you want to get to know them better as friends, and you can have as many friends as you want. You can have your cake and eat it, too! Don’t call it a date. Don’t send me smiley face text messages. Don’t pay for me. Just treat me like one of the dudes, and actually get to know me.

I’m totally fine with that. Actually, I prefer it.

When I’m you’re friend, I don’t have to be fake with you anymore. I don’t have to pretend to be the prettiest or the smartest or the sweetest girl in the room to get your attention among the gaggle of girls you’re dating behind my back.

No. When you’re just friends with me, I can be myself.
We can talk about the things that we actually care about. I can tell you when you’re being a jerk, and you can call me out for my shit, too. And hey, we might actually get a taste of what it would be like to have a real relationship with the other person. (Crazy how that works.)

But as long as you’re lining me up like show pony with all my friends, with all these hidden goals and hidden expectations, it doesn’t give either of us room to be ourselves or get to know each other very deeply. Actually, it sets the table for us to be incredible fake and dramatic, like contestants on “The Bachelor.” And I hate fake, dramatic relationships, so spare me.

He says, “I don’t want to jump into an exclusive relationship right now. I’d like date in a non-exclusive way, or date casually.” But contrary to popular opinion, I, too, would like to get to know someone better before I commit to a relationship him.

Respectable single women are not so desperate to date men that we think you’re going to marry us after the first date.
We have fears and concerns about commitment just like you do, and we’re cautious about who we exclusively date.

We don’t expect you to be our “future husbands” by date two. But if you do ask us to date two, we would prefer that you only ask us, and just see where it goes before you move on to someone else. Especially our friends. To make a long story short: I’m not against causal dating, as long as you’re only casually dating me.

But of all the many, many reasons for my thinking, here’s the biggest one. Here’s the biggest reason I think non-exclusive casual dating doesn’t work. Because when you meet the right person, and when you’re emotionally ready to date the right person, you aren’t going to be interested in anyone else. This harem of “non-exclusive” girls you drag around just won’t even appeal to you anymore. And the fact that you want to date other girls while you “get to know” me just shows me that you aren’t very interested in me (or my friends) in the first place.

Because that’s how it works, isn’t it?

These guys say that they need time. They say that they just want to “get to know you” and “date around” and “date causally.” But that’s not really what they want. They don’t even know what they want, and they’re stringing along all theses girls until they find it.

Because when they find it, here’s the thing: They don’t believe in causal dating anymore. TC mark

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