Tarzan is a grade-A babe. Sure, the forest fellow may need a few notes regarding social graces for the real world like tickling guests is frowned upon and listening to strangers’ heartbeat during the first meeting is not the equivalent of a firm handshake. But this rare Don Juan only has eyes for one Juanette. Sure, one could argue Jane’s competition seems bleak among the onslaught of gorillas. But regardless, Tarzan compliments, protects and offers JAne flowers along with a sultry hot bod. Def won’t find Tarzan nearing Fuckboy-ism.
Aladdin is a genuine Romeo in hipster disguise. He’s a dry-pocketed lad, with Robin Hood tendencies, pipes to be on Broadway and the chest to audition for Magic Mike. Move over, Harry Connick Jr. (No? Just me?) Aladdin, ever the angel, repeatedly tries to impress Jasmine, first by offering her someone from her own class, then a magic carpet ride, and finally, in classic Disney form, saves her life. He ranks absolutely fuck no on the Fuckboy Scale.
We all know Robin Hood for setting the heroic-babe bar at an all time Obama high. We know him second as a hopeless romantic. Lest we forget he burns he and John Tucker’s dinner while daydreaming about Maid Marian. And who can blame him? Maid Marian is a fox in her own right. Robin Hood persists his quest for Marian’s heart when he showcases his archery skills, ultimately winning her attention and the rest is history. Hood is straight allergic to the Fuckboy scale.
I have my suspicions with John Smith because of the whole Thanksgiving fiasco. Though, Disney portrays the young blue-eyed lad with the romantic and tender qualities of an ABC’s The Bachelorette contender. Not only does he deliver the panty-dropper, “Pocahontas, look at me (so suave) I’d rather die tomorrow than live 100 years without to have never met you,” but the his inner 50 cent makes a cameo when John takes bullet for Powhatan. Seems legit.
Okay, I’ll say it. Prince Charming is kind of bland. I mean, he has the right setup: royalty, let me stop you there. You had me at royalty. Plus, he has brown hair AND brown eyes, a black sheep from the traditional Disney Prince with blue eyes. I’m all for that darker roast. So sure, I’d appreciate a sense of humor from the lad, but aside from his humdrum disposition, he does admit to his only desire finding a love as true as that of his parents. Sah-WOOON. Label him softhearted snooze fest but he has zero sign of Fuckboy-ism.
The Nameless Prince
We don’t know enough about Snow White’s prince. Hell, he isn’t even given a real name. We only know him as The Prince (of Florian). He’s quite lackluster and a little reserved. Just where the hell is he during the entire film? Truth be told, he is incredibly soft spoken and his eyebrows seem like they’ve been freshly tweezed, which, make your own conclusions. Though, I guess he’d seem like a good fit for sweet and docile Snow White. Absent, sure, but what’s his name falls flat on the Fuckboy scale.
Simba doesn’t really do anything special to win Nala’s heart. He’s actually kind of a bratty, cub with a sense of entitlement that I have no patience for. The rascal is preoccupied with dreams of his future reign as king but then scares easily, caves and is later found basically smoking pot for several years with some wild randos. Hakuna matata? C’mon, that’s straight stoner-talk. Later, Nala basically throws her lioness at him and in the heat of the moment they decide to stay together forever/get preggers. So, sadly, Simba helps us roll into F**kboy-ness.
This French chap comes in the form of an indispensable object referred to as a candelabra. I mean, the evidence is right there. He has the word “bra” in his very description. Ladies and Fifi, (Lumiere’s rumored girlfriend) beware of this Casanova. Lumiere even goes as far as to fondling two feather duster maids in the Marvel Comics. Just stop. I will say though, that it was a romantic and hospitable gesture of him to persuade the Beast to grant Belle access to the library given her love of books. Touché, lil’ torch.
At first, Prince Eric has all of us by the seat of out miniskirts. What with the wooing words and boat ride date into a whimsically magical blue lagoon? Girl, yes. I’d be speechless too. But then, along comes Vanessa/Ursulla, all doe-eyed with come-hither vibes and where does Eric go? Straight for the bail, that’s where. Oh, it was a spell you say? Yes, all girls cast “spells.” It’s called having no curfew. Fuckboy alert on strong.
Ok I know he’s like 13(?) but this effer is a major Fuckboy. Tinker Bell has obvious feels for him and he toys with her with this gem-piece, “Don’t you understand Tink? You mean more to me than anything else in the world.” And then bails. I mean, if that doesn’t ring, “I’m a douche who’s sub-par in romantics” don’t know what does. And sure, Bell should cut her losses because the physical size difference between the two is bound to lead to an awkward injury. Peter Pan then flies off to rescue/flirt his ass off with Tiger Lily, the Indian chief’s oblivious daughter. That side giggle she delivers is a dead giveaway that some hanky-panky has gone down between them. Did I mention a handful of hormone-ridden mermaids are basically squealing uncontrollably with joy when Petah flies over to their pool party, leaving Wendy to fin for herself atop mossy- covered rocks in baby’s designer slip-ons. Then the mermaids, riddled with envy of Wendy’s presence, harass her. Peter chooses to bask in his top-tier rank to a bevy of women aching for his attention. Pan, flying abilities aside, you’re of the garbage variety.
From the very get-go, Gaston makes it quite evident that he is a special bread of douche with his audacious self-titled song that boasts about his douchiness. He pursues along his douche journey by tossing Belle’s book into the water and threatening to throw her father into an insane asylum if she refuses to date him. Romeo who? Fuckboy on fleek y’all.
Hans presents a strapping gentlemen of prince qualities. He posses as a sly lady-killer, first wooing Anna and then Elsa with his charm and wit (a key Fuckboy component). Little do the lassies know, Hans plans to murder them both in order to reign as king of Arendelle. That’s a surefire way to my heart. Am I right, ladies? Ok, I understand that he had a rough childhood that led to a villainous transformation, but still bro. Join a book club and chill your shit out. You reek of Fuckboy.