Okay sure, being a fresh, budding 20-something has its perks.
You are equipped with an impressively supportive and forgiving metabolism. It works extensive hours into the night disposing your gluttonous, overbearing calorie consumption. Your luscious, vibrant locks have yet to surrender to the evil gray tresses that age bestows upon us. Your resting bitch face has yet to deliver the signs of time with crow’s feet and dynamic expression lines.
Oh yes, it gets dark. (One trick I’ve learned to prevent wrinkles is instead of using anti-wrinkle creams, just smile less. Works like a charm.) But worry not! There are a plethora of success story moments your 30s have to offer as well! Awaiting you is a life transformed from cheap to chic and that triumph deserves the attention and gratitude suited for a queen.
1. You’re no longer crazy.
Scratch that. You’re less crazy. Wait, no. You’re more reasonable and realistic. Nailed it. Your erratic emotional performances have ceases to a minimum, usually reserved for the debate over why Ryan Reynolds is better than Ryan Gosling (you have your reasons). Because now, you’ve learned enough about yourself, others and the way the world works ad nauseam, which is no small feat. I bow to you, mon-cher.
2. You’ve got an autograph you can be proud of.
After a myriad of hours spent doodling through your 20s, you’ve definitely mastered the perfect calligraphy-approved signature that says “I know what I want and I’m going to get it.” What more could the modern woman ask for?
3. Like a fine wine, your makeup skills have matured and improved.
Unless you belong to that mysterious 1% celebrity-spawn model type, chances are you’ve had your fair share of beauty blunders. Whether it be tweezed, disappearing eyebrows, baked bronzer butcher, foundation caked on like you were nervous your true colors would shine through, or you maintained an exclusive relationship with black eyeliner, completely depleting Walgreen’s supply, it was a messy, character building time. Unfortunately photos are forever, but makeup trends are not! You’ve put your time in and now you are basically a beauty expert! You know what works best for you. Time is your time to shine! In a good way… Remember: friends don’t let friends wear glitter!
4. Your scene is properly updated and five-star rated.
Gone are the days of glow stick-encouraged raves peppered with suspicious strangers with pleasure-promising pills. The Royal-Piece-Of-Shit aftermath feelings managed to lose their appeal. Shocking. Instead, you flock towards beautifully lit rooftop gatherings; with views so dreamy your heart skips a beat every time. The wine is probably more expensive than your rent and the guests are wittier than adult braces. Don’t mind if I do.
5. You’re fashion sense slays, Fashion Gods everywhere admire in awe.
Now that you and your wardrobe are more polished and cultured, the world is your runway. In place of the 20-something trend Lana Del Rey inspired flower headpiece, you don a Vogue-forward simple silk frock so fierce that onlookers don’t even have to catch a glimpse of that sassy signature to know that you know what you want and you are going to get it. A round of applause and a British accent for you, dahling.
6. You give that esophagus a rest.
Puking, as much as you miss it, is few and far between these days. You left the glamour of hangovers behind with your 20s, bless, because you have learned a thing or two (you don’t drink less, you drink smart) and damn, it looks good on you, girl. Cheers, you wise little minx, you.
7. You give precisely ZERO fucks.
Gone are the days burdened with insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
You’re no longer journaling about the passive aggressive way Beth totally didn’t compliment your new sweater the other day even though you complimented her terrible orange lip gloss; or the impressive zit on your fivehead, or pleasing the greater half of North America. But you do give a truckload of shits about nourishing yourself with love and happiness in ways you feel necessary, whatever they may be. You don’t feel obligated to make an appearance to a “reputation-pending-important” party if you’d honestly rather go home to a quiet hot tub with a juicy novel and a glass of pinot. You’re a goddamn gem and you deserve it.
8. You can FINALLY be President.
That’s right, at age 35! Can you believe it? Some days you still call your mom and ask her what something on your pay stub means, but dammit if you aren’t capable to run a country! But no, because actually running a country would really impose on your Me time and we can’t have that. Not after how far we’ve come! Do you, not randos in Minnesota.