Any chance I get on Netflix, I’m going to search for a Sam Rockwell film. It’s just who I am. I recently stumbled upon the gem Better Living Through Chemistry. It’s Breaking Bad meets Clueless, minus the high school scene but with a dash of adultery and pinch of murder. Plus, did I mention Sam Rockwell? It’s the whole package, guys.
1. When a busty, blonde bombshell saunters around you in silk lingerie, you casually wipe the drool from your parted lips; use your company stature and wave the pharmacy delivery fee.
Salary is not the only benefit of climbing the corporate ladder. You know a good thing when you see it and you’ll be damned if you won’t use your authority to awe your damsel in distress. You are a modern day Robin Hood and shall act accordingly.
2. When a frisky female gives you a sultry stare down and drives you home after a chardonnay-heavy afternoon, you rock her Benz, bronzed body and world to show her your appreciation.
You are a considerate individual, always have been. You show your gratitude in the most appropriate way possible, with your man gun. What could communicate your level of appreciation more than lust-induced pelvic thrusts? Nothing. Absolutely nothing, Sam. You’re an athlete in the most honorable of ways and I applaud you.
3. When your girl is feeling insecure about her dreary, dead end wife role, you reveal your true feelings about her like the leading man you were always meant to be.
Babe-bait praise like smart, beautiful, and worldly are enough for me to give you the keys to my new car, quit birth control without telling you and become overzealous pen pals with your mom. You are a sly devil and you’ve met your match.
4. When you are a pharmacist living in the 21st century and you want to swoon said babe, you offer her a colorful variety of pleasure-induced pills. Flowers are so outdated.
Tulips are cute if you’re twelve or if you had a major concussion recently. Or if you present them with pills, then yes, that equation works. Life can be taxing on a trophy wife and pills are more fun than a therapist. Knowledge is power.
5. When your man is panicking over the DA finding out of the illegal activities going on behind the pharmacist counter, you reassure him that everything is peachy-keen.
He calls and you can hear the stress in his tone, but you don’t let it affect your midday sunrays by the pool. You take a drag of your cigarette and let the fumes fill your lungs. You reassure your man that staying calm is the best diversion. You also wisely advise taking a xanny, because your priorities are in line and he loves that about you.
6. When the two of you bond over dreams of traveling, lust of money and disgust of golf, you know the gods are leading you to plot her husbands death.
You’ve found your S.O. and now you need to devise a plan to spend the rest of your lives together. Well what other choice do you have than to rid yourselves of the innocent, respectable, generous, handsome husband standing in your way? None! Literally none. You even have the drugs at your fingertips. It’s a sign that this is obviously your destiny. (Robin Hood who?) Plus, you’ll be able to live off the husband’s fortune once you’ve fed him to the canines. We’ll think of an alibi later. Seems legit.