Okay. Truth be told, I dream of one day having a huge family and house filled with adorable baby shoes, while laughing over the witticisms my kids come up with. But this dream is in the distant future when I can actually be mature and rich enough to take care of others.
Today I am reaping the benefits of being a childless adult who is content changing my favorite baby names daily. And here’s why that makes me a winner.
1. The stress from having a baby creates wrinkles.
Do you know how much sunscreen I put on everyday to avoid wrinkles?! Well none. But I drink a lot of water and… Ok that’s a lie, too. Listen, I’m just hoping for good genetics. The responsibilities that come with having babies counteract even the best genetic pool-lottery outcomes.
2. Baby talk is SO Betty Boop.
I respect myself too much to do it. But I also can’t have a conversation with babies about how I want Lana del Rey to go back to blonde hair either. How does one even talk to a baby? When they talk to me I just stare at them until they’re through. It’s all of myself I can give.
3. Car seats and diaper bags seem like a real struggle.
Neither of which are chic. Sorry if that last part offended you. I’ve been listening to a lot of Iggy Azalea lately.
4. Babies are inappropriately dependent.
They need feeding, loving, attention…all that shit. Say goodbye to hobbies or your social life. Mothering is a second fulltime job. Just imagine, you’re lounging around the pool with your girlfriends discussing the pros and cons of anal sex when your baby texts you saying he/she needs dinner or whatever. So then you sign your baby up for a cooking class but then your baby expects you to give them a ride there! It never ends.
5. They’re DAMN expensive.
Say goodbye to all of your money when you’re spending on babysitters, mashed baby foods, baby clothes, spray-tans (you can’t have a pale baby), baby toys, and other baby accessories. When you’ve been working harder than a stripper, you don’t want to go spend all your hard earnings on someone else. Hmmm, that’s a little dark…but so true.
6. We won’t agree on everything, but we should agree on this: Babies can’t hang.
You can’t take a baby out shopping or out for an overpriced craft cocktail. Department stores don’t have daycare centers and wine bars don’t have highchairs (thank God).
7. Babies shit themselves constantly.
My house wasn’t meant to smell like diapers. It was meant to smell like Daisy by Marc Jacobs mixed with fresh linens and success. Perhaps also like lemons in the summertime.
8. You lose all of your precious beauty sleep.
Babies have this habit of not sleeping, which causes you to be awake at unreasonable hours of the night. Unfortunately I am ill advised to be around humans on less than eight hours of sleep. Dr.’s orders, what can you do?
9. I’m simply not strong enough.
I really don’t have the upper body strength to carry around my bag, cellphone, a glass of wine, and a toddler. If you’re like me, don’t blame yourself. It’s just not in the stars.
10. Currently my vagina is on point.
I like it the way it is. We are tight and shit and I’m fairly fucking certain childbirth is the fastest way to break that relationship off. I’m not an evil hag, I’m just not in the mood to say goodbye to my prime.
11. While we are on the matter of childbirth deteriorating a woman’s body forever, lets chat tits.
As if losing your perfectly shaped vag wasn’t enough of a character-building struggle to go through, your tits are second on the list of goodbyes. Your baby is going to milk the shit out of those nips because that’s the asshole-like thing babies do and get away with. These tits are mine and I will surrender them at nothing!
12. Babies are cool but I have sharp edges.
Like my personality, as well as around my house so it’s just not a match.
13. I think swearing in front of babies is frowned upon? Unclear.
Regardless, I’m not ready to censor myself at this time.
14. Babies steal the spotlight.
It’s not a crime for people to stop and smile at my baby instead of me, but it’s a misdemeanor. I mean, I’m fine with it, but my ego isn’t. I can’t have someone 1/10th (or whatever the math is) my age queen-bee me like that. It’s just who I am.
15. I CANNOT with bodily fluids from another.
Your own vomit is like your own fart, it’s not the worst, but someone else’s, like your baby’s? THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU. PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY. I HAD A GOOD LIFE.
16. Say goodbye to spontaneous traveling.
You can’t just toss a baby into a suitcase like your favorite pair of pumps for a spur of the moment road trip or a summer vacation to Maui. After you are done packing your discount clothes, self-help books and gum, you need to pack a bag for your baby. If it’s been a long day, I can see this really bring me to my breaking point.
17. Seeing baby photos on social media feeds makes me physically ill.
My therapist says I shouldn’t repeat this but I saw him off duty once wearing sandals with socks so he really can’t be taken seriously.