11 Ways To Get Dumped (Into A Pit Of Snakes)

Flickr / Tambako The Jaguar
Flickr / Tambako The Jaguar

1. WHEELBARROW

You could get dumped into a pit of snakes by someone, like a robotic peon, or a construction worker, or a fascist officer, via wheelbarrow, just like in videos. Your body would be like a plank of wood, an inanimate object, and you would have no expression or response.

2. GRACEFULLY

You could fall into the pit of snakes like a Russian ballerina and the collision would be so fluid it would be difficult to distinguish you from the snakes. It would be best if there was a spotlight, or maybe just the sun peeking out of some dark storm clouds, lighting you from above.

3. PET STORE OWNER

What if you owned a pet store specializing in reptiles and while you were cleaning the tanks you lost your balance and fell through multiple layers of glass and snakes? This is how I imagine it: I imagine you on your yellow ladder, wearing your cowboy hat, with a rag busily sweeping back and forth, and then your hip juts out uncontrollably. The crash happens and then immediately you start worrying about the cost of damages and the conditions of the snakes.

4. ANTAGONIST

The antagonist of your life’s plotline is determined to kill you and is magic. The antagonist gains control over your actions somehow and forces you into the pit of snakes, which is mysteriously produced out of nothing but you do not- can not- question it. The antagonist seems to be victorious but only until the very peak of the climax.

5. TWO PYTHONS

Are living next door to you, it’s unsettling but you’ve learned to deal with it. One day you hear ominous “sliding” noises from below your floorboards. You ignore it at first, assuming that it was just a plumbing hiccup or an auditory hallucination or something of that nature. After a few weeks, the sound persists, and you begin to investigate. Nothing appears. Finally, after about two months, you get so frustrated because the sound has become so terribly acute, that you pry open the floorboards. Just then you feel the presence of something strange behind you and you turn around and it is a python and the python smacks you so that you fall into the hole in the floorboards. You drop down only to see that another python is waiting for you there. You see that the pythons have created an elaborate underground structure below your habitat and theirs and now they are going to kill you and eat you.

6. IN A DREAM

You don’t know why but suddenly you’re getting dumped into a pit of thousands of snakes and they’re making tongue songs and you’re becoming submerged in them and they’re slithering against your skin and then you wake up.

7. BY YOUR BOYFRIEND / ONLINE DATING

You like dating males, specifically your boyfriend. He breaks up with you and then you decided to experiment with online dating, finding males to meet up with and have sex with via the internet. The whole time you cannot divide yourself from the phallic metaphor of serpents. You blame this on your Catholic upbringing, just like the rest of your problems.

8. BETHLEHEM

You are living in London during the Middle Ages and you have a mental illness so you are sent to the asylum called “Bethlehem.” At some point in history, workers believe that throwing you into a pit of snakes will frighten the disease out of your body. It doesn’t work and you are obviously traumatized. They drain forty percent of your blood volume to see if that will work.

9. AUTUMN IN NARCISSE, MANITOBA

Every September, thousands of red-sided garter snakes migrate to the dens of Narcisse, Manitoba where they will hibernate and avoid the incredibly high mortality rate. You decide it will be “fun” to sit in one of these dens, “just to see what it’s like.” You go to the dens with a friend and you fasten elaborate suspension systems onto yourselves and you descend into the snake pit with Go-Pros attached to your limbs.

10. COMPUTER SIMULATION

You are a programmer and you create a very convincing environment modeled after a live snake pit. You use various machinery, such as Oculus Rift, to experience this virtual reality for no reason at all.

11. A CONSERVATIONIST

You are a garter snake in Narcisse, Mantioba, and a wildlife conservationist sees you by the highway. You are about to get crushed by a motorcycle. The conservationist rescues you but you’re upset because you have no idea what’s going on. Then the conservationist dumps you into a pit that is filled with all of your family and anyone you’ve ever wanted to fuck and you think, “Ohh, this is great.” TC mark

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