First of all, it’s extremely difficult to reflect on my sexual activity as it is happening. I have to actively concentrate on not concentrating on reflecting on it so that I can sustain minimal stimulation required to proceed. The act of reflecting on masturbation is making me question when and why certain thoughts evoke certain physical responses, or when and why certain physical sensations evoke (those same?) responses. Still, because I am focusing on the observation of my own behavior, it is difficult to achieve the desired amount of excitement.
Last night I thought of X while I masturbated and it was “interactive,” I want to say, in the sense that both my imagination and my physiology were engaged. When I think about X now, at this moment, there is no response whatsoever. I think because I am now observing the act of masturbating I must convince myself to be turned on by the act of masturbating. How do I isolate this input?
I wonder how someone else would feel if they were to read this. Sometimes when other people talk about masturbating I feel really repulsed and I want them to stop. Why? Is it because I find them completely unattractive? I don’t know. I don’t think it is. I think it has to do with the delivery. I’ve felt disgusted by humans when they’ve describe things that they are sexually excited by, maybe mostly because I couldn’t relate to it at all. Or maybe I just felt that I couldn’t relate to it, when I’ve actually had analogous experience, the simple differentiation being personal perspective. Maybe what I find disgusting is the tendency to seek feedback responses, like as if telling me about masturbation is supposed to invoke a specific reaction from me. I think my distaste for this kind of verbal interaction surpasses the jurisdiction of “masturbation.”
Since I cannot separate from the activity of self-reflection, I will decisively find erotic pleasure within my own bodily responses to masturbation. I know that I enjoy wetness. It seems like a very primitive quality from which to extract pleasure: moisture and also heat. Thinking about sex as a pre-determined, animalistic necessity catalyzes the fantasy of being penetrated with the goal of capturing expulsion. I find it strange that the female orgasm is a debated evolutionary feature, even today. If I am very stimulated while I having intercourse and my partner and I climax at the same time, I can feel my cervix physically expand and a new compartment opens up (to let in his semen, to come in contact with his sperm faster and therefore more reliably.)
When I think about this “new compartment” “opening up” I can actively remember what that feels like and that memory becomes very successful in progressing my ascent towards climax.
Another thing that I can do to actively bring about an orgasm is contract all of my muscles. When I contract the muscles in my legs, my arms, and even in my chest I can feel it, I am reminded again of other times that I’ve experienced orgasm and this catalyses the ascent even further.
So now I’m pretty close to having a complete orgasm and because I am achieving it purely from a physiological point of view, I notice that my head feels “heavier” than when I usually approach climax. Noticing this actually makes me want to stop– but because I’ve already come so far I am going to put that observation on mute. I am feeling the precursor to the contractions and it makes me think of butterflies, or moths, really just the movement of their wings. “Fluttering,” I guess.
The contraction come in, enough to feel like an orgasm, but there is no feeling of relief whatsoever. Usually my head, the nerves around my temples and my forehead, do something very strange– they feel as if they’re being tickled. I feel a deep sense of relief throughout my whole body but right now I just feel… heavy, compressed. It actually feels like I have a bit of a headache. Maybe I’m a bit frustrated still? That is very, very interesting.
I’ve never felt this sensation so extremely before. I’ve definitely had “weak orgasms” before, where I don’t feel the sense of relief at the end / I just feel kind of neutral, but I’ve never had an orgasm illicit this kind of discomfort. How strange. It is definitely because I was reflecting on it simultaneously but I did not predict this response.