I never thought that I would be as “into” yogurt as I currently am. I believe it all started when I started dating Matt, a person who also likes yogurt.

I would come to his house for dinner and he would put plain yogurt on everything, or he would mix yogurt with herbs and make a thing. I was kind of skeptical at first because I generally don’t buy processed foods (BLAH BLAH BLAH) and dairy sort of freaks me out, just because of industrialized farming.

Then one day I looked in Matt’s fridge and I was marginally disturbed by how much yogurt there was. He said, “Oh, you have to try this yogurt,” and he pulled out LIBERTE Mediterranean Cherry and I just tried it and then I couldn’t stop eating it.

The next time I went to the grocery store I caught a glance of LIBERTE Mediterranean yogurts and I was completely seduced by them. There were so many flavors, my brain went off like a pinball machine.

Shortly after I got strep throat and I needed to take antibiotics to get rid of it because I didn’t eat enough garlic pills when I felt the initial symptoms.

For weeks after I finished the antibiotics I had a yeast infections, all up in my junk, all up in my mouth. It wasn’t like a cottage cheese effect yeast infection, it was just terrible itching that made me feel like a mutant, and a fuzzy film of white on my tongue.

My friend said she puts plain yogurt up her vagina instead of Canasten whenever she gets yeast infections. I haven’t tried that yet, but for the past month I’ve been consuming a ridiculous amount of yogurt.

BioK Plus is great. It’s like 30 dollars for a 30 milliliters or something crazy, but it’s POTENT.
It’s not really “yogurt,” it’s “fermented milk.” Very sour. Very delicious.

Obviously if you have a yeast infection you shouldn’t be feeding it with excessive sugar, so plain yogurt is the way to go.

FAT FREE ASPARTAME YOGURT IS FUCKING GROSS.
WHAT EVEN IS IT?
IT’S SO UNREAL.

I like to buy THE MOST FATTENING yogurt possible because it is delicious. And then I balance my diet around the 60 grams of fat I got from yogurt in one day.

Beatrice regular fat yogurt is pretty OKAY, like that was the only thing left.

Danone ACTIVIA “probiotic” yogurt is total bullshit, it tastes like candy. It’s mostly sugar and corn starch.

If you know a nice old lady on a farm who makes yogurt, maybe a Moroccan woman, or a Serbian goat girl or something, definitely hit that shit up, that’s gonna be the ultimate.

If you don’t really like drinking animal mucus, there’s an OKAY almond based yogurt that bougie grocery stores carry. There’s also coconut milk based yogurts that I really need to try. If you live in Williamsburg there’s probably a million kinds of vegan yogurts that are like 5 dollars per 100 grams but whatever, still delicious.

REVIEW: It’s all about function, right? If you want to get rid of a yeast infection I’d say buy some BioK Plus and get a Moroccan goat farmer to put plain yogurt up your v-hole.

If it’s about eating a delicious snack, obviously buy LIBERTE Mediterranean yogurt and tell them to hire me as like a Red Bull girl except a LIBERTE girl. I’ll braid my hair, I’ll do a little dance, just give me a life supply of LIBERTE Mediterranean yogurt.

If it’s about losing weight DON’T EAT FUCKING YOGURT. How did this ever become a thing?

If you want to lose weight get a nutritionist or a dietician to concrete something rational into your brain and wean you off of your addiction to sugar. Once you stop eating massive amounts of sugar you stop craving it and then other things actually start to taste better.