21 Ways You Know You’re A Baby

A thought you might have, as a baby:

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1. You have no self-reflexive abilities.

2. Your neurons aren’t really mylenated yet.

3. Light passes through your retina.

4. You look down at your hands and they’re proportionally, like, an 8th of your body.

5. Any time you think of something it goes away.

6. Peek-a-boo is a fucking trip. You literally don’t know where the face has gone. And when it comes back, like 2 seconds later (except it feels like 10 minutes) it is a genuine surprise. You actually thought that the face was gone, and you assumed there was just a hand now.

7. There are pictures of you topless on the internet and no one cares.

8. Your birth certificate says that you were born this year.

9. Milk just comes to you. If you want it, you automatically express it and then magically, your muscles are moving in and around and because of sweet and sour fat-fluid.

10. You’re gaining a lot of weight.

11. People spend a lot of time with you, without necessarily saying anything or doing anything. You’re just kind of vibrating in the warmth of their embankment.

12. Sometimes you just kind of want to feel motion that is different from the present motion. For example, maybe you want someone to pick you up and move you in a rhythm or a different position—something that just feels better. This goes on until you’re satisfied or you forget about it.

13. Your entire body was inside of another person’s body for at least 50% of your lifespan, so that must be weird.

14. When you wake up– how do you know you’re not still dreaming? It’s probably not applicable to you. You don’t care.

16. You don’t contribute to society at all. You just use up a lot of resources.

88. People are nice to you for no reason, hopefully.

15. Everything feels colder in the dark. But it doesn’t really bother you, it’s just something that you maybe notice more these days. Or maybe you’ve always noticed it. Everything slows down. Your blood pressure, her blood pressure.

J You don’t know words or numbers.

21. It feels good to play with your mouth. There’s lots of moisture and sensation going on. TC mark

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