So I’m sure we have all heard about the things Rick Perry has said or at least read Nicole Mullen’s public statement to excuse this Texan’s behavior. Such nice work, really, Nicole. Have you ever thought about going into PR? That’d be great as long as you’re not my agent; I would hate to see every article apologizing for every decision I made reading something like, “She can’t help but being a bigoted shithead. That’s just part of being from Texas—she burned herself on the burrito—again.”
Yes, I have burned my tongue on some sort of food before … OHHHEMMMGEEE who the fuck hasn’t?!?!?! But this whole developmental disorder, that’s not all Texas; in fact, that’s everywhere yet not everywhere. I have never bought jeans from Walmart. Once, I had shoes bought from Payless and I was the laughingstock of the sixth grade. Assuming all Texans are gun-carrying, truck-driving inbreds only makes you sound even more of a bigoted shithead than Rick Perry. Before I go off any more about how horrible you are, let me publicize the fact that I in no way agree with Rick Perry or defend him—I am defending other Texans.
My parents always taught me to not judge others for what they do, how they live, or who they love, but instead on how they treat you. Oh shoot, wait, does that mean I metaphorically have fetal alcohol syndrome? I guess my ways of life, taught by my parents, are something preventable. Damn my parental negligence—oh, “negligence” is a big word—thank goodness for spell check, them extra chromosomes ain’t make me spell too good. Oh sorry, my spirit of independence is getting in the way again. I’ve tried calling Ghostbusters but I can’t seem to shake it!
You can go anywhere and find people with state pride: New York, New Jersey, South Carolina, Missouri, California—OK, let’s stop there for a sec. I have lived all across this country and I have never seen anyone more damn proud than Californians. Don’t get me wrong—it’s not a bad thing. Everyone should be proud of where they are from, but don’t cancel out Texans. Don’t blame an entire state for what one person says or does. How about we stop glorifying the similar things a few people say that happen to be from the same state and assume that’s how the entire state feels? Just because Obama likes the color orange doesn’t mean “Oh, every American likes the color orange.” I hate orange. Love Obama. Hate orange. Oh ya, I’m also a Texas Democrat—oh darn, hope daddy don’t shoot me. Anyways, don’t judge the person’s home if they say something you don’t like. Think of it like this—they don’t like your opinion, either, soooo #getoverit.
OMG you guys, did you hear Slovakia become the seventh European country to ban same-sex marriage? Wow, they are ALL bigoted shitheads with no chromosomes. I bet they buy their jeans from Walmart. But we can’t get mad at the Slovakians; they can’t help but being misinformed homophobes. They’re retarded. I bet every single one of them is a damn homophobe. No need to actually ask all of them.
In case you didn’t get that last part, it’s sarcasm. Texas trait, I guess.