He Was The Perfect Guy I Could Never Have

Unsplash, Karl Fredrickson

He was the perfect guy I could never have

I loved him before, and I love him even more now.

It had always been him, even way back when he would go unnoticed. He was the mysterious type of boy, always the quiet one in the crowd. He was that friend that always seems to make bad life decisions, the one that is always in a bad relationship, always drunk, always hungover. He thinks he’s a mess and what’s worse is that he believes that he is. Maybe he was, but to me, he was one beautiful kind of a mess.

When everyone can only see the bad side of him, I see an innocent man looking for attention, for some care, for some love. For others, he was a hopeless case, a man with no direction, a lost cause; for me he was everything; he was my hope, my dream, and my future.

I was always by his side, to just be there for him when he makes wrong choices and bad decisions. Just by looking at him from afar, I am taken into a galaxy where only he is the only thing that I see, and being beside him is all I ever wanted to be.

In his eyes I saw the many nights that I will be holding his hand; sitting on the hood of his car overlooking the city; me looking at the stars and him staring blankly at the building lights from far beyond. He barely smiles, but I can see him smile whenever he kisses me; I can feel his feelings while we lock lips, and I can hear him whisper softly “I love you” to my ear whenever he hugs me; I can feel his strong embrace as he holds me closer and closer as the hours pass.

I lay there in his arms, breathing in his scent as much as I can, as long as I can. I will miss he’s warm and masculine pits and his hard chest that feels like home; his beard that wakes me in the morning and tickles me down to my soul. I will miss his big hands and those long fingers that always caresses my neck, down to my spine and into my hips. I will never forget how he turned pain into pleasure and the longing into ecstatic joy. I will miss how he would kiss my forehead, kiss my nose and bite my lips; I will miss most how he penetrated into my soul with his words of love and made everything alright with his gentle touch.

It might have been our last night together, and I can’t help but tear apart. He was the perfect guy I could never have because he has to become the man that he was supposed to be. He was to be a grown-up man now, and there is no way I can ask him to stay. He was finally making his dreams come true.  Whether I’d be part of it or not, I will never know. He worked so hard, cried so many tears and dreamed so big, and now it’s finally happening, all his effort’s paying off. He was to finally fly and do what he had always wanted to do. He had his dream in front of him, a stone’s throw away; he smiles and I cry because I know that from the very start, I was never really a part of the life that will fill his heart.

I realized how lucky I was to have gotten to know him, to fall in love with him, to cry for him. He was the perfect guy I could never have, but for a time, I was his, and he was mine. I am lucky because I had my heart-broken by someone that that was worth all the pain.

He will be a person of success, and of great things, of great attention, great love, but not of me and for me. In the end, it is not what he was that would matter, but what he’d become. He was the perfect guy I could never have because I cannot run as fast, soar as high and dream as much. I am happy, no, I am devastated by the thought that this was goodbye.

To the perfect guy that I could never have, thank you. Thank you for the moments under the sun, the times we laughed, we cried, and the feelings we shared. Thank you for making me feel loved; for giving me regrets; for being the one that I will always hope for, live for and pray for. May all your endeavors be as fruitful as our love, and may the stars always shine upon you wherever you go. Remember or forget me, I will always be the friend who loves you from afar.

To the perfect guy I could never have, I love you. TC mark

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