Did you know that there are invisible threads sewn in to our souls, holding us together? I don’t know how they got there. I don’t know when we let that happen.
Do you think they’ve always been there? If that’s the case, I never noticed them before. I think maybe they’ve gotten stronger. Or perhaps, I’ve gotten weaker. I’m not really sure. But listen to me…
We are so messy. Our dynamic. The fucked up way we treat and mistreat each other. We always end up with the same conclusion regardless of the path we take. It’s horrible. My stomach turns thinking about how we are meant to end up. In this dark place of misplaced potential, kept afloat by repressed resentment and prideful passivity. We are meant to get rid of each other. Do you know that?
This has always been our problem. Every time I try to pull too far away from you, an overwhelming feeling wraps around me. The air gets heavy and it gets harder to breathe. I start to drown in you. My mind gets foggy. I become really forgetful. My memory loses track of the reasons why we aren’t perfect for each other. I can only remember your arms. And your hands. Your lips. And your tongue. And it gets harder to move. All of my attempts to move on only draws me deeper into you. I literally feel my skin tugging back towards you.
I know you can feel it too. I know it’s tearing you up because I feel you sinking into me. You’re trying to stop the pain of the pulling. It’s terrible. The closer you get, the easier it gets. I hate it. I hate how your affection gives me peace. How your vulnerability can unhinge my resolution. I try to ignore your warmth, and take a step a way, distancing myself just a little bit still, because I’m stronger than you. And I want us to be happy. Don’t you want to be happy?
Nothing has changed. We have to keep running. Far away from each other. We have to run hard and fast, until it feels like our bones are breaking. I think I can handle that. But maybe you can’t. You’re as stubborn as you are selfish. You won’t endure the pain for us; the hurt we both have to feel to free each other from each other. You are perfectly content with persisting in a toxic cycle between passion and disappointment. And that’s no way to love. Don’t we want love?
You will always mean the world to me. And I will always care about you deeply. But do us a favour and stand still. Let me walk away. Ignore the pull and set us free. I can’t let you go until you let me.