You know when you’re deliriously tired or sobering-up and feeling maniacally excited about talking? You’re with your best friend, you’re in your safe zone and there are ten million things you find imperative to discuss with great enthusiasm and intensity. There are somethings that best friends talk about in group chat or over lunch, but there are other things that only come out late at night. You know, the gross stuff, the ex-files, the pep talks that all seems to go in circles or contradict itself?

Aliens

BFF 1: It wasn’t just me, my dad saw the UFO too. It was there, hovering, and then it just took off. *Dramatic hand gestures.*

BFF 2: I know, I’ve watched videos like that on YouTube. What do you think they want from us?

BFF1: I don’t know, but what if they listen to us for their studies? *Whispering* Maybe we shouldn’t talk out loud about it.

BFF2: Text Message to BFF1: They’re probably using Earth as a farm and we’re just of no value to them, yet. Or maybe they’re not real.

BFF1:Text Reply: Yeah, they’re probably not real.

Ghosts

BFF1: You know when you can just feel a presence? You just know?

BFF2: Yes, you just feel like someones watching you and it’s cold. Just like in movies.

*Both scan room, circumspect*

BFF1: But yano, there’s no proof. It could just be in our heads.

BFF2: Yeah if ghosts were real, they would be literally everywhere.

Body Dysmorphia

BFF1: I miss my body from high school but I don’t want to starve to get back to it.

BFF2: You don’t need to starve, your body is so much better now. You’re a woman, you have sick curves.

BFF1: No you do. I’d die for your body.

BFF2: No, I’d die for yours! *Ass slap*

Translation and rationalization of unsatisfactory text messages

BFF1: Incoming Text: “I’m pretty tired so I think I’m gonna crash. Maybe another nite?”
That means he’s with another girl tonight, right? OR I was just really weird last time.

BFF2: No maybe that means he’s just tired.

BFF1: How much energy do you need to sleep with someone?

BFF2: He probably got back together with his ex-girlfriend. It’s not you.

BFF1: He’s definitely just tired, he’ll text you tomorrow, for sure.

BFF2: You’re right.

That ex-boyfriend you swore you were over

BFF!: I’m over him, I hate him he sucks and I’m so glad he left me because I would never had the courage to leave him. *Cries*

BFF2: You’re so much better with out him. You deserve so much more. *Hugs*

BFF1: But we were really good together… I really did love him…

BFF2: Well his new girlfriend is fugly and orange, maybe he’ll come to his senses and come crawling back.

BFF1: Hope so.

That ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and how gross she seems online

BFF1: Seriously, she’s heinous.

BFF2: They called her the herpe-ninja in college.

BFF1: I heard that too. Whatever, I’m happy he has someone.

BFF2: Yeah, they deserve each other.

BFF1: But seriously, she hashtags every word in her captions. What kind of followers is she trying to get with “#the” ? Moron.

Gas

BFF1: I realized today, yoga is the art of holding in a fart.

BFF2: I’ve been really gassy too lately, I farted the whole way home. Literally: toot, toot, toot, from the subway to the front door like the little engine who could… do nothing but fart.

BFF1: Let’s stop eating dairy.

BFF2: I’m throwing away all of my cheese.

BFF1: No you’re not.

BFF2: No I’m not,

Road trips

BFF1: First let’s fly to LA, then let’s rent a car and drive up the coast.

BFF2: Yes lets go all the way to Washington!

BFF1: Why Washington?

BFF2: Forks…..What? It’s really pretty.

BFF 1: You’re right, I want to go to that bookstore in Port Angeles.

How our parents fucked us up

BFF1: My dad’s just really miserable and it really effects me.

BFF2: My dad has really bad anger problems and I feel that anger rise up in me sometimes. It’s scary.

BFF1: You’re nothing like your father.

BFF2: Neither are you. *Hugs*

BFF1: I love my dad.

BFF2: I love my dad, too,

Government conspiracy theories

BFF1: They can’t just make a documentary that’s entirely fake. There has to be some truth to Zeitgeist.

BFF2: My brother said that conspiracy theories are for people who are too lazy to read the real news.

BFF1: Yeah. But maybe Obama is a reptilian. How do we know, you know?

BFF2: Yeah, I guess it would be hard to know for sure.

Failure to be normal

BFF1: I got caught taking a selfie on the train but the worst part is I was really just doing a booger-check.

BFF2: I was listening to the Rent soundtrack today at work until the guy who sits next to me told me that my headphones weren’t plugged it. I was already at “Goodbye Love”.

BFF1: *Looks up nose with phone camera* Shit I really do have a booger.

BFF2: *Looks* Yeah it looks like a Christmas tree with ornaments up there.

STDs

BFF1: You would know if you had one, right?

BFF2: Yeah I think if it feels fine and it smells fine, you’re fine.

BFF1: He didn’t look like he had anything. He had comic books on his nightstand.

BFF2: You’re fine.

BFF1: I should get tested.

BFF2: You really should.

Best Friends

BFF1: You’re my best friend in the whole world.

BFF2: You’re the only person who gets me.

BFF1: We’re really more like sisters.

BFF2: Twins.