He won’t change.
I’d always known this would happen- since the day he left. I can remember distinctly laying in bed with him late into the night on the eve of his departure. It was a hot sticky night in August and our attempts to have a normal day while his ticking clock of time loomed over us had finally gone south. He sat softly on the edge of my bed and cried, whispering every word I needed after months of an extended breakup.
Promises of faith, love, nerves, fears- they floated out of him from all angles. I believed him, but I replied that he would most likely meet someone over there…traveling also. He laughed at me as he often did when I said something true that he wanted to ignore.
He told me it was a solo adventure. It was time and space to focus on himself and regroup after the failure of his business (and really, our relationship though he’d never admit that). Time alone to come back a better man. I loved him so I listened.
To my own fault, I buried those words as if they were full of meaning and meant to be protected. We slept together that night, our crooked bodies lined up as they had always been. Limbs intertwined, we dreamt in a world where I would get the ending I deserved. Underneath it all though I knew better – because here is the thing; I knew him.
I could detail out for you the deep dramas of our 3 and a half year relationship and the things I’ve learned in the months since we stopped speaking, but I won’t. As long as he and I know the truth it’s enough. Some of the scars I have I’ve realized may never heal. They’ll live with me as much as the one’s that are external.
When he left, we were on good terms. That dwindled as each day passed. I pleaded with him to be honest with me if something was going on, and he subsequently told me I was insane. That was the last time we spoke. (social media tells a different story then his though, doesn’t it?).
I’ve reached out just twice in a sad attempt to find answers in his actions, but he purposely ignored my pleas. That’s what shitty people do though, they make you feel like shit, because deep down they’re the terrible ones, and they know it. They always know it.
I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for him – clearly I saw what you do. His boyish good looks, his goofy charismatic charm, his zest for life. Not to mention his ability to make you feel as though he doesn’t know how he ever lived without you. They’re addicting qualities, so much so they often overshadow his hollow heart.
Really though, it’s only about one thing. He will never change. He has not changed. He left someone he claimed as the most important person to him and immediately jumped into the arms of another.
As the months go by and you get closer, he will tell you stories of his past- one’s that are filled with pain you didn’t know existed and you will feel a sadness you hadn’t realized someone could have. From there you will make a million excuses to justify his hurtful behavior as your relationship grows.
When you start to fight, when things become tricky as you attempt to build a life, he will chicken out. He will blame you for it. He hasn’t learned. He’s not ready to admit how thoughtless he is, and he may never be. Try not to take this personally. You will give him everything and it won’t be enough.
So, be careful, friend. Enjoy your travels- experiences of a lifetime, I’m sure. Do me a favor though, ask yourself what is he running from. What do you actually know about this person that isn’t just what he decided to tell you?
You see, he has a couple of years on you. He had a life here. Friends, Family, Work. As soon as he failed, he bolted. He’ll tell you that this new life with you, it’s the life he always wanted. I heard that too, when we moved into our brownstone apartment in Brooklyn and his promises of a future I could see written across every item we unpacked. He has reinvented himself many, many times. I’ve never met someone so good at boxing it up and leaving it on the side of the road.
You’ll learn a lot about people and relationships. For most of my life, I believed everyone was innately good. Sadly, it’s just not true. I’m sure you want to marry him, I certainly did. Maybe you even will, but know he won’t change.
Once you decide to participate in real life together, those beautiful adventures of the mundane everyday? That is when he will lose his way. Don’t lose yours. Protect your heart. Stick up for yourself. I wish I had. I will from now on.