She calls me and says:
“You didn’t call me for mother’s day.”
I spent mother’s day with the women who are important to me. I chose not to spend it with this woman who destroyed me and continues to destroy me. You are a mother, not a mom. Throughout my childhood I tried to be enough for you, I did my best and it wasn’t good enough for you. I excelled in school and did my chores, and in return I would get told that I was stupid, a bitch, and more than likely a beating to put me in my place. I never hit you back, for I was terrified of you. I was grounded for the smallest things for the longest time. I wasn’t allowed to be a child, a carefree little girl. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, trying to get the most important woman in my life just to love me. I was never blessed with an “I love you” or hugs and kisses. Just closed fists and open palms.
I broke a plate accidentally, and you claimed I threw it across the room and hit me for it. It was a plate, one that you could get anywhere. Or that time you dragged me down the stairs and I kicked out in fear to which you claimed I was trying to kick you down the stairs. I ran to my sister’s that day in bare feet which you showed up there and started a physical fight with her. You told me I’m worthless, and I hear that in my head to this day. I’ve had numerous nervous breakdowns, which has caused debilitating anxiety.
My Grandma passed away, and my mother tells me that it was my fault and that my Grandma would be proud of me “flipping burgers.”
She had told me I was the biggest mistake in her life, that she should’ve had an abortion. Die bitch die, watch me cry is the horror that fell from her unloving lips. That my father wasn’t actually my dad, which I’ve been terrified to find out for years. I was useless, that I would never amount to anything. But then she’ll turn around and try to guilt trip me into believing that she cares and that she loves me. She holds love over my head for me to fall into her depths of hell.
I ran away.
I ran away from home, with a broken heart and a need to be loved.
My Nan, my stepmom, and mother in law are the most important women in my life. They have shown me to be strong, to be kind, and they have most importantly shown me love. They have stood by my accomplishments, and my downfalls.
I chose to cut all ties with someone who claims to be my mom. A mom is someone who holds you when you cry, picks you back up again, and leads you to the right paths in life. Not one who deliberately trips you, and holds you down.
I’ve grown to be loving, and I crave physical contact. I show people love because we all need to feel valid. I will hold you in your darkest moments because I, too, have felt the numbing pain that comes with the lack of love.
We are valid, and we all deserve love.