1. The Barren Profiler:
Trademark: No information on his or her wall.
What it means: If the person is good looking, it usually means they’re just looking to hook up. It also means they have a massive ego and they really don’t have to try that hard to impress you. If they’re not super attractive, it usually means they’re curious about online dating but way too insecure to actually become involved.
First date fortune: Get ready to werk, bitch.
2. The Threesome People Profile:
Trademark: A couple who wants you to join in their little romp.
What it means: Usually, this couple has become bored in their sex lives and wants to bring someone else in the bedroom. Sometimes, the couple is actually just really open and comfortable in their sexualities. And other times, one of them is not totally on board and is doing it to appease the other partner.
First date fortune: On the plus side, you’ll probably be spoiled with free booze, food, and sex all night. On the downside, there’s a possibility you’ll end up naked in the most awkward sandwich you could possibly imagine. You might ask yourself at some point “Is that sweat or tears dripping on my asshole?”
3. The Teeny-Bopper Profile:
Trademark: Someone who is way too young for you.
What it means: You can see the red flags right away. Weird alien text, hashtags, YOLOs and extra consonants for no damn reason whatsoever. This person is undoubtedly super attractive. In fact, they’re so attractive that you’re willing to overlook all the dumb shit on their profile and you’re actually willing to go on a date with this person. You probably even briefly fantasized about how jealous your friends would be when you brought them around to the next game. Understandably. Just try to keep in mind that the hotness of a teeny-bopper can only be rivaled by the crazy that comes with under-developed emotional intelligence.
First date fortune: Initially, you’re looking at a cheap date, but you might end up paying for it after you inevitably stop responding to the chain of emojis you’ve been getting all day. Don’t be surprised if your neighbors complain about someone buzzing every apartment in your building asking for you.
4. The Strictly Selfies Profile:
Trademark: Every profile picture is a selfie.
What it means: This could mean one or many of the following — A) This person either only has one angle in which he/she looks good; B) This person has no friends to take pictures of them doing cool stuff; C) This person does not do cool stuff.
First date fortune: You will spend the evening looking over your shoulder to see what your date is looking at. Eventually, you will notice that they are simply positioning their face to suit their only good angle.
5. The Overly Sarcastic Profile:
Trademark: Everything listed is a song lyric, movie quote or just plain stupid.
What it means: Don’t bother. This person is not comfortable with online dating (or dating in general) and this will result in probably the most awkward date ever. Trust.
First date fortune: Overly sarcastic internet people are usually awkward. as. hell.
6. The Infamous Catfish
Trademark: Their profile picture is attractive. Too attractive. Way too attractive. Yikes!
What it means: At first, you might get a little excited. If you find yourself asking, “Why is this person talking to me? They’re so out of my league”, you’re probably right. Hot people usually have swagger. They have confidence. They have the same skin tone, height and body in all of their pictures, across the board. If their profile content is poorly written and generic, run, son. Much like the Nigerian princes of Craigslist offering their luxury penthouses for $400 a month… If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
First date fortune: Highly recommended that there is no first date. If this can not be avoided, make sure you’re equipped with pepper spray and your GPS location finder is on. Be sure that your pepper spray is actually pepper spray and not silly string.