Our excessive use of social media today has inflated our egos and made us believe that everything we do is worthy of sharing with our 600 closest friends. The one thing, however, that people tend to not openly “humble-brag” about on social media is getting dumped. Being the detective that I am, I have discovered the eight sure-fire ways to tell if that couple you love to stalk just broke up. Guys won’t post anything, so there’s no use looking to their profile for dirt. Girls, though, are a lot of fun to observe post-breakup because they will follow this spiral into singleness approximately 99% of the time. They think they’re being subtle by hiding their changed relationship status, but we all know what’s up. If you just saw two halves of a couple suspiciously change their profile pictures from couple shots to single shots within ten minutes of each other, keep an eye on her social media accounts for these hints she just got dumped:
1. She changes her profile picture from a cute and wholesome couple picture to a perfect cleavage-shot selfie with the caption “He’ll regret it” or a super inspirational Marilyn Monroe quote.
2. She Instagrams a picture with her dad, a male baby, her gay best friend, or her male dog captioned: “the only guy I need in my life <3”.
3. She makes a drastic change to her appearance, typically in the form of chopping off all her hair or dying it a dramatically different color. The drastic appearance change can also come in the form of a regrettable tattoo or piercing. She will typically caption pictures of her transformation with a hashtag along the lines of #DoingMe or #NewMe.
4. She rediscovers the friends she neglected during her three year relationship and simply does NOT know where she’d be without them. She constantly checks them all in at bars and uploads blurry pictures throughout the night to make sure you know she’s out having a good time. #GirlsNightOut #LoveMyGirls #Shotssss
5. She makes very vague and sassy tweets and Facebook statuses, that are actually not nearly as vague as she thinks. “Whatever, I’m so over it” = she is not so over it, she is pissed and is looking for someone to call her and ask her what’s wrong.
6. She starts posting a lot of conspicuous pictures with no caption, for the sole purpose of extracting jealousy and confusion from the ex (and the rest of her online audience). Who is that guy with his arm around her at the club? Who gave her those flowers?
7. She will tweet a slew of not-so-subtle breakup lyrics, followed by a tweet about how Taylor Swift just GETS her. It’s like Taylor writes about her life, ya know?!
8. She will drunkenly comment on every tagged picture of the two of them, making all of the Internet cringe with her bitterness. She will then nonsensically tweet AT her ex demanding her stuff back. (Wait WHAT…that was just me?! *facepalms all the way back to 2011*)
But seriously, I still want my stuff back…