Having just gotten out of a seven year relationship, I’ve been under a marriage-sized rock as far as online dating is concerned. A few of my girlfriends have had some success with it, and I no longer want to meet guys at bars or work, so this is what I have to do now, right?
Even making the profile exhausted me, never mind the time suck that is actually searching on those damn things for a mate. My first week my inbox was littered with unfortunate looking/presumably socially awkward med students and bridge trolls. After being told that no one finds true love in seven days, I suppose I am going to keep with it, but here’s some advice to the guys out there, from someone fresh and not yet jaded by this dating medium.
1. Don’t send a message asking for sex.
It doesn’t matter if you preface if with “I’m not a pervert or a creep, I’m just a genuine guy.” You just inquired as to whether you can put your penis inside of me via a computer, and I’ve never met you. That is both perverted & creepy. This also applies to anyone asking if I’d like to ‘explore with a couple’.
2. Ab Photos
If you’ve got great abs and we hit it off, I’m sure I will be super excited to see them when the time comes, but don’t make it your profile picture. Is that seriously what you are leading with? Women like a little intrigue…plus it comes across as really fucking shallow.
3. Use Common Sense.
I know I am no Kate Moss but I think this whole thing would run a little more smoothly if we all reached out to people of similar attractiveness levels. Yes, I am tempted to message that Calvin Klein underwear model that owns his own plane, but let’s be real, he probably won’t message me back. Here’s a tip: Look at your photo, now look at mine. If there is a conceivable universe where someone would say “Aww, they look cute together!” go for it. If not, please don’t waste either of our time.
4. Income Level
I am not a gold digger, however I am not looking to be a sugar mama these days. I don’t list my annual income so I certainly don’t expect you to, but if you make less that $20,000/year, maybe don’t advertise that. Some people don’t need a lot of money, some have wealthy families and don’t need to work, and some, like most of us, are figuring things out. Regardless of what your reasons may be, putting it out there may prohibit a good match from reaching out to you. On the other end of the spectrum, saying you make more than $250,000/yr may attract some uninvited traffic to your page. Bottom line, let’s talk money in person, it makes me feel weird on the interwebs.
5. Headshot photos
If your profession requires you to have headshots, please don’t make it your profile photo. That soft lighting, shallow lens and retouching are giving a false impression. You will not look that good on our first date, I guarantee it, so please don’t set yourself up to be a disappointment. Also, I don’t want my man looking prettier than me.
6. The Novella Approach
Sifting through profiles is monotonous and I haven’t yet found the Zen quality to make it meditative. Everyone wants his or her information to POP! It’s not only a challenge to appear witty, sweet and well rounded at first glance, its down right terrifying. I’ve noticed, to combat this, some guys have taken to writing lengthy, detailed descriptions for every question. What’s even better are the guys who take quotes from various books to fill their answers. I get it, you’re more well read than I! I’m a busy woman, just give me a glimpse of what you are all about leave me curious for more. If I wanted to read a book, I would get off the damn computer and grab one.
7. The Travel Snob
Congratulations, you’ve been to more places than me! In an effort to appear worldly, it seems that everyone has taken to leaving a laundry list of places they have lived in or visited and most are preoccupied with where they will go to next. Listen, I love to travel and would be really stoked to meet someone who has the desire and means to do it as well. However, when you casually mention that you have been to 75+ countries and climbed Mount Everest five times, I cant help but feel that my adventures pale in comparison. Don’t be a one-upper this early in the game, it’s a turn off. (The same applies to wine/whiskey snobs, fitness snobs, book snobs and food snobs.)
8. Username fails.
Monikers such as: BigBoi4U, Single902, Iwant2makeucum & lonely_guy24 mean almost an immediate ‘No Thanks’. I’ll be the first to admit that my user name isn’t the stuff of legends, but I’d like to think I arrived at something slightly quirky and inoffensive. Aside from your photo, this is your only other chance at a first impression. It doesn’t have to be a show stopper, but damn, try not to be too desperate or creepy with it. We all are here because we want to meet new people a do new things, sex being one of those things, but please gentlemen (and I use that term loosely) dial it back a bit…and if your dick is really so big why must you advertise it?