There is comfort in sadness. There is certainty in feeling low and hopeless.
When you expect nothing but the worst or just nothing at all, there is a sense of stillness albeit the inner turmoil. It is easy to want to die. It is simple to disappear and just isolate yourself from the world. A disturbing comfort indeed, but it’s more comfortable than the glimmer of hope.
When a lost motivation makes its way back into your life, it’s a scary feeling. It’s also an annoying feeling because it lights a fire under your ass, forcing you to do dry your eyes and do better. The pity party has been shut down and no longer can you dance in the dark, wallowing in your sorrows. The sheltering gray clouds clear, revealing a blinding light. Hope ruins your sad plans, those sad plans you worked so hard in creating. Just when you accepted remorse, here comes potential. Where was it before and why is it late?
After being so content in your sadness for so long, the feeling begins to feel safe. Hope is now unknown. Hope suspends the spirit into midair without warning of ascension or descension. Putting your faith in life again takes work as life has lost your trust time and time again. How could you be sure it won’t screw you over, betray you, hurt you? We can never be so sure.
The unfairness of this life experience is that we only get one.
Whenever we lose faith in a person, we can either rebuild that faith or simply move onto someone new. With life, no matter the infinite possibilities granted to us, we only have one. There is no new body, new past or new being that we can move on to. We can only transcend our situations and moments of time. It’s unsettling to face loved ones and to be happy again. You have to reform and completely discard your belief system of “I can’t” and “I’m not.”
I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid something good can lead to a bigger expectation that I may not be able to fulfill. I’m intimidated by my own greatness.
I wish I could cry in peace but that little voice of reassurance gets louder and louder, telling me to never give up. I can no longer avoid it.