There are times I wish I had a really good set of girlfriends to hang with every weekend and maybe 30 best friends who are always available to accompany me on my random adventures. But people aren’t disposable and I know I wouldn’t enjoy maintaining so many close relationships. (Cue introvert issues.)
I love taking myself out to dinner after a long week. I enjoy going to art galleries alone so that I can stare at that gorgeous painting for, yes, another 10 minutes without interruption. There’s no better peace found than in a solitary walk through an empty street on a warm spring day or cool fall evening. What I’ve found through my lonely, is that my separateness brought me closer to who I really am and the people who I really love to be around. Not too long ago, I fell into the trap of pleasing others, hanging with folks who did my soul no good, surrounding myself with bad energy just for the sake of having energy around me. I felt more alone the more I was surrounded by these people. Weaning myself away from empty friendships, I found myself beside myself. The first year or so of keeping to myself was a bit sad and painful. It was a “damned if you do or don’t” moment; I found myself feeling unloved whether or not I was around people. Later came the self-realizations of why I avoided my own company for so long. Needless to say, I got over myself and began to enjoy the solitude.
Now, 25-years-old, I have friends but I can’t say I’m particularly very close to anyone right now. I have a few really good friends but I don’t find myself yearning for a phone call. I have a good social life and I am surrounded by love but I don’t feel dependent. I explore the world like I never have before, with fresh eyes and a healthy appetite for newness. I’ve made lovely new friends and acquaintances which I would have never allowed myself to notice before. I make my own decisions without asking for opinions. I bravely participate in my life. I’ve even found new love. I can’t begin to express how amazing it feels to be with someone and no longer be conditioned to tell everyone about it. It’s wonderful to not have to explain, receive unsolicited advice, or dissect the details. I can just enjoy what’s going on and not have someone questioning my actions or his. My loner vibes have drawn this strong yet invisible boundary. This mysterious and sacred side of myself is softly guarded. My explicit need for privacy prevents the questions and violation. What is mine is mine and I can share my joy without sharing too much. And no one will ask me more for fear of crossing that line. My solitude has garnered me respect, a secret place and uninhibited discoveries. I’m so much more aware and in tune with what truly speaks to me.
It’s not about shutting anyone out. It’s not about severing ties. It’s about abandoning the dependency on others to evaluate your self-worth or truth. I think we all owe it to ourselves to be our own co-creator. Who else can better edit and critique your life than yourself? Maybe later in life, I’ll be different. Maybe I’ll be the person who wants to upload photos of my guy on every social media, ask everyone for life advice and consult every friend about my thoughts and actions. I hope not. But until then, I’m doing just fine on my own.