Memories of your 21st birthday are hazy, but you know you had a good time that evening, dammit! And whether you had your first sip of alcohol that fateful night or have been stealing sips since high school, there was something magical about turning 21 and being able to legally purchase booze. You felt like a champion shot-gunning Natty Ice with your friends in college. You relished in ordering Adios Motherfuckers at the hands of a bored bartender. But 21 has come and gone, friend, and by the time you’ve hit the ripe old age of 25, there are some drinks that you must finally say “Adios” to:
1. Any beer whose name ends in “Light” or “Ice.”
Bud Light tastes like warm cat piss, and you know it—give up the charade already. While extremely low-quality beer was fine when you were using it to play beer pong, it is no longer acceptable to drink these yeasty brews of your own accord. Opt for an IPA or Hefeweizen and say goodbye to the days of chugging sewer water.
2. Anything bright blue.
If you have never barfed from consuming a bright blue mixed drink, pat yourself on the back (although I know you’re lying). In your early 20s, anything blue seems like such a great idea! It could be tropical, it could be delicious, it could be a packet of Gatorade mixed with 151. But by age 25, if you’re still holding onto brightly colored cocktails, you need to start thinking about moving on to greener pastures. Trust me, your liver will thank you for not permanently turning it into a diabetic Smurf.
3. Drinks with suggestive names.
It’s shocking to think that people are brazen enough to order a Sex on the Beach, Slippery Nipple shots, or a Sloe Comfortable Screw. The bartender thinks you’re an ass-hat when you order these things, and you’re flaunting your immaturity. It’s funny that people try to use these flirtatiously, when the truth is that those who order drinks with suggestive names tend to go home alone.
4. Jager Bombs.
Remember that video “My New Haircut”? It currently has nearly three million views on YouTube. Do you know why it’s garnered so much attention? Because people love to celebrate the fact that Jager bombs are for overzealous dudes who take steroids. Resist the little voice coming from your gelled hair and accept the fact that you shouldn’t down the dark licorice brew… even though once you’ve thrown a few backl, you’re a fist-pumping machine.
5. Anything with more than three kinds of liquor.
Long Island Iced Tea, AMF, L.A. Water—there are plenty of options. Anything with three or more types of liquor is just bad news, brother. You order one at the bar thinking you’ll save money by only having to buy one cocktail, and the next thing you know you’re waking up in a dumpster outside of your neighborhood 7/11 getting yelled at by the cashier and being told that you peed all over Aisle 2.
6. 99 Bananas.
Or cherries, or apples, or oranges, or watermelons, or peaches—the list could go on forever. Barton Brands must be run by evil geniuses, because no one age 21 or younger can resist these seductive schnapps. While the packaging is cute and the flavors are fruity, this potent potion is 99 proof, meaning you’ll be going home from the bar feeling a little bananas yourself.
7. Jungle Juice.
Ahh jungle juice: the stuff of frat parties and hellish hangovers. First of all, I’m not sure where you could be consuming jungle juice if you’re no longer in college, but you should take a minute and look at your life. It wasn’t a good idea to drink this stuff when you were 18, and it’s not a good idea now. Chances are, you never fully realized what was in the fizzy concoction. More than likely, it’s for the best that you don’t find out (powdered lemonade, vodka from a plastic bottle, and miscellaneous bodily fluids can’t be good for you).
A wise man once told me, “40s are for hobos and gangsters.” While this might not be the most PC phrase, I can’t necessarily disagree with him. Set your beer sights on hoppier horizons and kiss your $3 brew goodbye. OK, you can play Edwards 40-Hands for old times sake, but after that you should (and must) wave those big bottles goodbye!
The drink of basic bitches everywhere before “basic” was even a thing. This drink is reserved for girls with names like Megan, Jessica, Ashley, etc. Although I can’t confirm that this liqueur was created for sorority chicks with low self-esteem, I can say that those who consume the blue beverage trade in their normally boring demeanors and unleash their inner table-dancing hellions. While it was a little bit mysterious when girls did it at 16 (did this magical blue drink give them stripper superpowers?), if you’re still drinking this stuff at 25, you might have daddy issues.