40 Ways To Stay Fat Forever
By Justin Hook
1. Learn how to cook — pancakes.
2. Avoid jogging when it’s hot. Or cold. Or early. Or late.
3. Tell people you had salad for lunch when you actually had a chicken-salad sandwich.
4. Only listen to medical studies that say you should keep doing what you’re already doing — namely, eating chocolate and drinking beer.
5. Follow multiple sports, especially those that go well with dip.
6. Date a girl who has a thing for Kevin James.
7. Trust your mom’s opinion.
8. Celebrate all religious holidays — except the fasting ones.
9. Brunch.
10. Go grocery shopping while you’re incredibly hungry — and/or high.
11. Buy candy “for Trick or Treaters.”
12. Buy reduced-fat ice cream — eat eleven times as much.
13. Start on a diet of bacon, eggs, and cheese — and a croissant, if they come with one.
14. Eat foods from countries with long life expectancies — like Italy.
15. “Tempura is sushi.”
16. Buy a Groupon for $40 of food at The Greasy Spork.
17. “Can I add cheese to that?”
18. Date someone who eats less than you — finish their leftovers.
19. “Can we get a box for this bread?”
20. Keep up on new trends—especially those pertaining to cupcakes.
21. Try the new frozen yogurt place that just opened — a block from your house.
22. Buy a Segway.
23. Join a gym that has lots of windows — facing the street where your ex lives.
24. Avoid exercise when you’re tired.
25. Choose “Super Saver Shipping” on your new running shoes.
26. Run with a friend — one who also prefers sleeping to running.
27. Only buy workout equipment sold on late-night television ads.
28. Carbo-load.
29. Drink Powerade — even between ultra-marathons.
30. Be comfortable with your body — very, very comfortable.
31. “Some of the world’s greatest athletes have a belly!”
32. Consider how much a new belt would cost.
33. Live somewhere with at least ten months of sweater weather.
34. Eat like a bird — ravenously.
35. Volunteer to dress up as Santa — this year, every year.
36. Take the elevator — even when it’s clearly intended to be only for the disabled.
37. Tell people you played tennis when you actually played Wii tennis — or would’ve, except you didn’t feel like standing up.
38. Catch up on Dr. Who.
39. Cultivate a web presence.
40. Google “Doritos Locos Tacos.”