40 Ways To Stay Fat Forever

1. Learn how to cook — pancakes.

2. Avoid jogging when it’s hot. Or cold. Or early. Or late.

3. Tell people you had salad for lunch when you actually had a chicken-salad sandwich.

4. Only listen to medical studies that say you should keep doing what you’re already doing — namely, eating chocolate and drinking beer.

5. Follow multiple sports, especially those that go well with dip.

6. Date a girl who has a thing for Kevin James.

7. Trust your mom’s opinion.

8. Celebrate all religious holidays — except the fasting ones.

9. Brunch.

10. Go grocery shopping while you’re incredibly hungry — and/or high.

11. Buy candy “for Trick or Treaters.”

12. Buy reduced-fat ice cream — eat eleven times as much.

13. Start on a diet of bacon, eggs, and cheese — and a croissant, if they come with one.

14. Eat foods from countries with long life expectancies — like Italy.

15. “Tempura is sushi.”

16. Buy a Groupon for $40 of food at The Greasy Spork.

17. “Can I add cheese to that?”

18. Date someone who eats less than you — finish their leftovers.

19. “Can we get a box for this bread?”

20. Keep up on new trends—especially those pertaining to cupcakes.

21. Try the new frozen yogurt place that just opened — a block from your house.

22. Buy a Segway.

23. Join a gym that has lots of windows — facing the street where your ex lives.

24. Avoid exercise when you’re tired.

25. Choose “Super Saver Shipping” on your new running shoes.

26. Run with a friend — one who also prefers sleeping to running.

27. Only buy workout equipment sold on late-night television ads.

28. Carbo-load.

29. Drink Powerade — even between ultra-marathons.

30. Be comfortable with your body — very, very comfortable.

31. “Some of the world’s greatest athletes have a belly!

32. Consider how much a new belt would cost.

33. Live somewhere with at least ten months of sweater weather.

34. Eat like a bird — ravenously.

35. Volunteer to dress up as Santa — this year, every year.

36. Take the elevator — even when it’s clearly intended to be only for the disabled.

37. Tell people you played tennis when you actually played Wii tennis — or would’ve, except you didn’t feel like standing up.

38. Catch up on Dr. Who.

39. Cultivate a web presence.

40. Google “Doritos Locos Tacos.” TC mark


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