A few years ago, back in 2019, decorative throw pillows may have seemed pointless. But now that it’s 2020 and everything is a literal dumpster fire, throw pillows couldn’t be more useful! We need something soft. Something comfortable. Something to scream into at the top of our lungs for extended periods of time without disturbing our housemates or neighbors.

If you’re new to the world of decorative throw pillows, here are a few quick tips to make sure you get the perfect set every time.

Size

When choosing the size of your pillows, the question you should be asking yourself is: How deep are you hoping to bury your face into it? Bigger throw pillows allow you to completely submerge your face and SCREAM REALLY LOUD EVERY TIME YOUR UNCLE REPOSTS FOX NEWS ARTICLES WITH #BLUELIVESMATTER ON FACEBOOK AAAAARRHHHGHHGHGHEOWHAIHFSDIFHKSDHFAKJSDHF.

Shape

Whether you go for circle, square or even triangular pillows, make sure they come in sets of two so that you can use them as ear muffs to drown out the 24/7 wailing of sirens and helicopter noises because we live in a police state now.

Stuffing

Wow, so many great options here! Memory foam is good for absorbing really shrill, high-pitched screams. Goose down is better for more baritone sobs. If you’re looking for something in between the two, you can’t go wrong with microbead!

Pattern

When it comes to the pattern and stitching of your pillows, simple is the way to go. Life is complicated enough as it is. Between the possibility of a second civil war to the global pandemic that’s murdering our grandmothers, who has room for an over-the-top pattern on their throw pillows? Not us, that’s who!

Color

Warmer, brighter hues can fill any room with the illusion of optimism and hope. But when you’re ready to fully lean into the all-consuming despair and anxiety that comes with constant news coverage of police beating up children and terrorizing the elderly, we recommend Pantone 448 C AKA the ugliest color in the world.

Amount

By now you’re probably wondering, “How many decorative throw pillows should I get?” Well, with the way things are going, we might not make it to 2021, so fill every room in your stupid house with pillows for all we care. Treat yo’ self, ya know?

Price

If you’re one of the zillion people that’s been recently fired or furloughed, West Elm has a totally affordable set on sale for less than twenty bucks. Is this what good news feels like? We can’t remember.

Arrangement

1. Start off by lying down on your bed or couch or wherever you plan on setting up your new pillows.

2. Arrange them around yourself in a pattern that completely buries you from head to toe.

3. Once you’re nice and buried, just stay there and wait out this global shitstorm… Shouldn’t be more than 6-8 months!

Happy decorating!