It all happened so quickly. You met someone. There were sparks. Then, there was nothing.
You may sit there, wondering: “Did I do something wrong?” “Did he or she not like me after all?”
More often that not, we assume it has something to do with us when, actually, there could be a vicious battle going on inside that other person’s head. In the case of the following, it’s a battle between desire and self-doubt.
You’re suddenly there in front of me and already I know this morning is not like other mornings.
It’s rare to meet someone like you. I get starry-eyed and stupid, and I absolutely love feeling that way.
I ask you how you are and then ask for your name. It’s beautiful and it suits you. I tell you mine and we shake hands – It’s a moment that seems to last forever, a memory I play over and over in my mind.
Our eyes are locked and I can’t bear to look away. I suddenly forget what I’m doing. It’s all just background noise that fades away.
I’m coming on strong, I know. I see too much, too fast, falling hard already when I don’t know you at all. I do know the energy I feel when you’re in my presence. That energy is like a drug I can’t do without.
I can picture us together inside my head. It’s almost comical except for how strongly tied to it are my emotions and my desires, too.
These fantasies look so real as if what I can see is my own destiny; tomorrow’s story unfolding. It seems so right and so true.
Of course, it cannot happen now – I just met you! What of the onlookers who might overhear? What if you’re taken or content to be free? And does social etiquette mean nothing anymore!? I shall not jeopardize the boundaries of casual pleasantries with such forwardness, not at the risk of mutual discomfort. You’d struggle to find your graceful exit. I’d pretend it’s no big deal.
Relax . . . I won’t do that to you. I’m better than that.
And I’m not ready yet, anyway! I’m not accomplished or experienced enough to keep your attention. I believe I could be someday – I truly do. My fear is not that I may fail, but that it will all come too late and I will have missed your train.
The clock is ticking.
It’s all a game, you see, but it’s very real. The consequences are so important to me that it drives my very being. Like any game, I could win or lose. To lose would be catastrophic; I have so much to give that it eats me up inside. To win, however, would be frightening. I do not know the dance of courtship and I fear I’d miss a step or two.
Sometimes I feel like it may come naturally. On those days, my confidence rises and I hold my head high. On other days, I wonder if I was born without instructions. I shy away from the world and tell myself I’m better off alone.
Today, I’m not sure how I’m doing. What’s true is that this morning I smiled at you and then watched you go.
Alas, it was never meant to be. You went your way and I went mine.