The day I met you was the day I also handed one of the delicate personal belongings one could give aside from his heart. I still remember how it feels to finally find someone who gets to see you beyond physicality, someone who appreciates you, someone who would try to understand how haywire your mind can be, and one who accepts the mess that you are.
I still remember how it feels to admit the growing foreign emotion inside that stirs your quirkiness. It wasn’t easy, I didn’t know that it could happen; that we could happen. I still remember how I saw the present eclipse with the past—ready to start a new. The day my eyes met yours, was the day I gave you my trust.
They say trust is like a mirror; you can fix it if it gets broken, but you will not be able to erase the cracks on the reflection. That’s how it feels now, however. Every time I walk through the door with you, I still feel at home but I get anxious whether someone else is at home with you other than me. Every time I kiss you, trace the contours of your lips, I get sad because someone had done that other than me. Every time you hold me, I secretly wish you hold me tight, think not of anyone but me. Every time you say I love you, I say a prayer that you are not thinking of him…just me.
I wish that you are still falling in love with me.
I hate being in this situation where I know I love you but I get overwhelmed by the fact that other than love, I also get the feeling called anxiety. I hate how the mistakes made me think that our love is a piece of china; fragile and tentative. I hate how when we’re apart I get sad and lonely and paranoid and in love at the same time. I hate how my dreams are nightmares of wolves chasing me in an endless maze as I chase you. I hate how this had become a guessing game of what’s the next roadblock; of what’s the next thing that’s going to mess this up.
It’s sad, beautiful and tragic.
And this is why I need you to help me win my trust back.
I need your help because I don’t think there’s someone out there, in the 7 billion people in the world, who could love me the same as you do. You are a pin in the sea of haystacks. Help me get back to the way we used to be. I need your help because I know you hold the key to making this right, to me see the old reflection of our love in the broken mirror. Help me because after all, the broken pieces of my trust still long for your love.