This Is How I Love You Now, And How I Always Will

Danielle Moler
Danielle Moler

You run to me, all jaded and broken and I don’t hesitate to welcome you with these bruised arms.

I hug you so tight and hold you, though these hands are bleeding. I hug you as close as possible but it will never be close enough to absorb the pain in your bones.

I have no worries if I’ll still be human enough to feel anything good after this, just as long as I get to see you smile. I don’t mind if I become this walking sadness lurking in the darkest alleys of the world as long as there are sparks residing in your soul.

Because this is how I love you.

I would love you even if nothing would be left in me.

And I know when the sun breaks through the city’s skyline, you’ll be gone again.

I’ll be back to my curled up position in the middle of these crumpled sheets, bawling my eyes out, bleeding red, bruised of black and blue because there wouldn’t be enough scars, there wouldn’t be enough blood to bleed to aid the hurt.

I want to stop this madness, my God, I want to stop this so bad but I don’t know how. I have no clue where to start. It was like I was built with a default action of never turning you down. I was hypnotized by your presence, of how your skin felt against mine.

Saying no to you will never be an option.

Other guys tried to steal my heart. They did the most romantic things to sweep me off my feet. They showed me how special and loved I am and trust me, I wanted to pull my heart out and hand it to them, I wanted my heartbeat to be in sync with the rhythm that they feel inside their chests. But I couldn’t, because no matter how dumb I look, no matter how stupid it sounds, I want them to be you.

I wish you could be the simplest of seasons tumbling over each other, something predictable, something I could see coming my way but no, you are the most confusing and baffling weather I have ever experienced.

One second you would ignore me, breathe like we are non existent to each other, your words cut through me like the sharpest blades then I’d be left floating on the clouds of brokenness with a million questions trampling me on what I have done wrong again. And then the next, you would say you love me like you you’d die the moment I leave but we both know that is the next thing to impossible, I would never leave you.

I feel it in my veins that you want to love me the way I love you and that feeling begins to be the little voice whispering the sweetest sounds of hope, that maybe, just maybe, you’d have a change of heart the next time you stand outside my door.

But you know, even if faith ebbs away from my worn out soul, I would grip onto you as tight as ever.

I don’t care if my hands become numb or this little body becomes nothing but ashes because I won’t give up.

Even if all the stars burn out. TC mark

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