1. The coworker who asks how much sleep you got.
Trust me, you know exactly how terrible you look after staying up one-too-many-Netflix-episodes late. Nobody needs reminding that they haven’t washed their hair in three (four, whatever) days. Escape this interaction as quickly as possible with a loud cough while offhandedly mentioning that you’re feeling feverish. They’ll leave you be in your Scandal-induced-coma as quickly as possible.
2. Your [insert crazy relative]’s relationship advice.
The only person you should take relationship advice from is the person whose relationship you admire. For some reason, people take ‘focusing on my career/degree/cats’ as an unacceptable excuse. Make your thoughts known by casually inviting said-crazy-relative to check out the local convent with you.
3. Newest research on how much quinoa/wine/HIIT you need.
You know the deal. More kale good, less exercise bad. Don’t torture yourself with the newest ‘study’ saying that some foreign fruit is the new miracle pill. Listen to your body and know that a balanced diet is an apple in one hand and a berry scone (multigrain, obviously) in the other.
4. The guy who always tells you how cute/smart/pretty you, but doesn’t ask you out.
He’s trying to trick you into thinking that his playa playa tendencies are actually thoughtful comments. Tell him to stop blocking the view of all the suitors running towards you at that very moment. A gentle push to the side will get the point across.
5. That obnoxious piece of hair that won’t curl the right way.
…But the YouTube editorial video told you to do it just like this..? Bobby pins were invented for crises like this. The only one who notices that this one strand tucks under instead of over is you. Clip that bad boy up and spend more time paying attention to what really matters: do I have enough time for an iced coffee run before the 8am meeting?
6. The anonymous comments on your blog post, Instagram, or twitter.
I look like a WHAT? There will always be people who have a different opinion, and there will always be the assholes who need to share it. Instead of partaking in social media to get feedback from others, write, post and share thoughts for your own enjoyment. This one is easy to fix: don’t scroll down. Don’t. You. Dare. Scroll. Down.
7. An off-hand remark about what you’re eating.
So what if you ordered the locally-grown salad with the vinaigrette on the side? People feel the need to either berate or celebrate others on their food choices. Begin a lengthy discussion on slaughter house techniques as they bite into their bacon cheeseburger to combat their unwanted comments. They won’t ask again.
8. The loud banging noise your car makes on right hand turns.
Actually, no. Definitely get that checked out.
9. Unsolicited career advice from anyone who’s not at your dream job.
If they aren’t doing what you would like to do, you are not required to listen to their spiel on resume design. Building connections with other professionals is essential, but only if it aligns with what you actually want to do. Tell them you don’t need their help because already you’ve locked down a position as a dancer. Keep it vague.
10. Fashion trends that look good on Blake and Beyonce. And only Blake & Beyonce.
Since when did half a shirt become ‘the thing’? And what’s the limit on fringe items someone can wear at one time? If you live for skinny jeans, over-sized flannels, and unnatural lip colors, by all means rock it out…but only because you love it. Don’t fall victim to every fleeting trend if it doesn’t make you feel like the kickass person you are. Author’s Note: yoga pants are always in style.
11. Articles preaching on how to make your life choices.
Take these life-changing tidbits with a grain a salt (preferably served around a margarita glass). Realize that all writers have unique experiences they base their expertise on, which may or may not be unlike yours. Solutions to every personal and professional problem cannot be found in webpages or magazines alone…back away slowly from that iPhone 6. Interacting in real world experiences will yield far better results than that article you ripped out on the elliptical.
12. Your own self doubt.
Your fear of failure will do nothing but limit your successes. Often times we let a minor mistake or setback destroy the entire vision we had for ourselves. It’s these little hurdles that separate the weak from the determined. The people who ‘make it’ aren’t the ones who are perfect, but the ones who believe they can accomplish what they set out to do…and put in the effort to make others believe that, too. If that means forcing your significant other to wear an “I’m with Awesome” t-shirt, so be it.