15 Ridiculous Ways To Totally Trash Weddings (While In A Drunken Stupor)

Shutterstock / Kzenon
Shutterstock / Kzenon

Don’t worry – I have tested each and every one of these.

1. Get drunk in a church. If your friends hold their reception in a church, make sure you’re with the only group who drinks. Give your boyfriend roadhead on the way home. Bonus points if you’re underage.

2. Get your boss to sneak you booze if you’re underage. When two of your coworkers get married, make sure you get that creepy older retail manager to get you drinks from the open bar.

3. Be a generous enough to share your drinks with the groom’s underage brother. You’re so close to 21, you can almost taste it, but that poor kid is several years younger than you. Double points if he has a crush on you. Triple points if you deny it when his overly religious parents ask you about it.

4. Take “you’re so pretty” from a fellow bridesmaid a little too far. Try to take one of the other bridesmaids home to share with you and your boyfriend. Laugh it off the next day when your boyfriend yells at you.

5. Take “you’re so pretty” from a friend a little too far. If you think a little girl-on-girl action from two straight girls is trashy, you haven’t seen it at a wedding. The key to this is one is to make sure you have a pregnant friend to take care of you when your ex-fiancé and her ex-boyfriend are too pissed to talk to either of you.

6. Fall so many times at the wedding that you sprain both knees and tear ligament in one of them. This one is a tricky two-step process. First, prior to your falls, call the girl who fell during the ceremony because she was drunk trashy. Then, proceed to drink a copious amount of wine until you get black out drunk and fall several times during the reception. Telling your doctors during your fourth months of physical therapy that you have no idea how it happened awards you extra points.

7. Let somebody eat chewed up wedding cake out of your mouth. This one is easy and less trashy on your part as long as they’re the one eating and you’re the one chewing.

8. Fall asleep at the head table. Make sure you’re still wearing your bridesmaid’s dress so everybody knows exactly who you are.

9. Sob deeply as you watch your friends get married. Tell everybody you’re one of those silly bridesmaids (Why do people keep asking me to be in their wedding?) who cries at weddings. A few months later, call off your own wedding once you realize those tears weren’t tears of happiness.

10. Ask every single man at a wedding if they would fuck you. Everybody except the groom, of course. Your best friend’s husband though? Sure. The dude who is recently engaged? Why not?

11. Have a rando take “would you fuck me?” a little too far. When your ex gets pissed because a rando unknowingly tells your ex that he can probably get “that bridesmaid” (you!) to at least blow him, justify it that it was a hypothetical question (would, not will).

12. Do a drive by grab of your ex-boss’ wife’s boobs. Don’t forget to yell, “nice tits!” When he endorses you on LinkedIn a few weeks later, accidentally message him, “Thanks, Booby” and not, “Thanks, Bobby.”

13. Pass out on a bathroom floor. Make sure it’s in front of the door so your friends can’t open the door.

14. Be blitzed before the reception even starts. This can be easily achieved by having 7 glasses of wine immediately after the ceremony.

15. Spill wine on the bride’s dress. White wine only please. Complain later that your friend never wants to hang out with you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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Booze, happiness, Adderall, & dick pics make my world go round.

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