You were my first real love, and my first real heartbreak. We grew up and found our way back to each other again and again. But each time was the wrong time. You had someone else, as did I. You were too focused on your hopes and dreams, as was I. Back then I had thought that maybe we just weren’t meant to work out yet.
Someone once said that some people are meant to fall in love, but not meant to be together. That’s how I had always thought of us. We had a way of showing up in each other’s lives when one of us needed it the most. We would feed the fire and once we began to feel warm again we would let it flicker as we would part ways and go on with our own lives. I always felt comfort in knowing that it wouldn’t be long before we found our way back to each other again, so that I could feel that warmth. Maybe if the timing was right someday, we would both realize that we were meant to be together.
This time around you had someone else too. You were bored with her, just as you had become bored with me so many times in the past. Things were getting rough between the two of you so you came back to me. I felt sorry for her. I began to like her. I thought maybe in some way that my being nice to her would bring her comfort rather than make her feel I had anything to do with what had happened between the two of you. I just wanted to let her know that she wasn’t alone. This was what you did; I knew it all too well.
You were over; at least that’s what you told me. I went on with you as we always do, but this time was different. You questioned why I was being nice to her; I gave you an honest answer. You told me that you felt like her pain was bringing me pleasure. You called me deceitful, even though all I had ever done was been honest with you. When I apologized you told me not to flatter myself. You hurt me, made me feel foolish, and left. In that moment I saw clearly what I had never seen before.
You didn’t care how you had made me feel, because all that you had cared about was how she felt. You may not have loved her, but you did care about her. You truly cared about her. You didn’t want to see her hurt. She who you had known only a fraction of the time you had known me, had something that I’ll never have; your respect. Throughout all of our times together I had never been anything but honest with you, yet somehow you always found a way to make me the villain.
I asked you to give me an explanation, or at least closure if you cared about me at all. You didn’t. Ten years, and you couldn’t even give me one word. I wondered how anyone could ever leave someone they loved feeling so empty and unsettled.
I know now that it was because you never really loved me. You never even cared about me. All you did was use me when you needed to and let me believe whatever I needed to keep me around. I know now that I don’t need closure and I don’t need an explanation because your silence has given me the only answer I ever needed to finally move on. I know now that you never really loved me, and I know now that I’ll be okay.