First, you meet. The appeal is in how it makes you feel, how it makes things look. Things start to magnify and light up. You start to lose any negative feelings you may be holding onto. What really matters is the present moment—and you and them.
The problem starts when it’s all you want. You want nothing else for yourself, just to feel you and them, as if nothing else in the world matters. They become the most illuminated person in the room. Their light grows brighter as the light within you dims. Your breath feels short without them, as though the oxygen in the air around you stiffens. They become the thing you’re holding onto to get you through the day.
You start to forget who you were before you met them, and you don’t care. As you lose yourself, you forget what it’s like to be yourself. It’s a form of escaping into someone else. You let it happen without thinking about it too much. You just let your emotions go and allow yourself to be swallowed, and by the time you realize what you’ve done, you’re in too deep.
The problem comes when you’re alone. In fact, you’ve never felt more alone in your whole life. Your thoughts have become your enemy and something you have to silence. You can’t please yourself or enjoy your own company; you begin to despise yourself. You want to run and think of them as your sanctuary where you can be loved, because it’s the only way you can receive love. It’s not coming from within anymore, it’s only coming from where they are.
You need them and feel as if you may drown without them. You fear being left alone. Instead, you turn to them and drugs and pills to fill the pain inside. A deep trench has opened up in your chest but you have no intention to heal.
While, during all this time, all you needed was yourself. To pick yourself up and realize you were never really sinking. The sways and currents that moved your boat were caused by denying yourself and your own needs. You just needed to pay more attention to yourself in the first place, and in returning to do so, that’s how you save yourself.