You have been diagnosed with clinical depression. Your therapist suggested writing it down, apparently this is supposed to make you more acceptant of your disease. Disease. It sounds like a curse word. If you repeat it over and over again it starts to lose its meaning. You never thought your situation was this bad until your father pronounced the word “depression” for the first time. Was that why you were always sad? Always wondering if you were going down the right path? Always second guessing all your decisions? Because, when you think about it, you have no reason to be depressed. You have a roof over your head, food on your plate, a family who loves you and friends to support you. Then why on earth do you feel so lonely?
I found this quote not long ago:
“we are not only a physical body, we have souls too, and sometimes our souls get sick. If you break a leg you don’t just say ‘I have no reason to have a broken leg’ and ignore it; you seek help. It’s the same when your soul gets hurt. Don’t apologize for being sad.”
This is the kind of saying that speaks to me. You could think of it as a shadow. You might not always be conscious of its presence, but your shadow is always with you. When you are in the dark, your shadow is everywhere. When it is sunny outside, people see your shadow but consider it normal, it is just another part of you after all. Depression is the same. While you might not always feel it, it is a lingering sadness that never entirely leaves. Depression is a part of who you are, it is that little voice at the back of your head that turns into a scream, a repetitive, death- wishing scream that tells you “you are not good enough. You are nothing. You are not pretty enough. You will never be happy. Everyone around you is happy but you will never get to experience that happiness. Never, never, never.” Depression quietly sits on your shoulder at night and whispers that no matter how hard you try, there is no point, life is a dead end anyway. Hope is a lie. The smiles you stick on your face every single day, a lie. When friends and family tell you they love you, a lie. When someone gives you a compliment, a lie. They are all liars but then again, why would they want to care about you? You are nothing, remember? Things will never get better. You will never find love.
This is where the tricky bit is. You have this ball of darkness sitting inside of you, waiting for you to be alone or to feel a bit sad to finally explode and fill you with the darkest emotions you have ever experienced. However, on the outside, everything is perfectly A-Okay. God, your life looks so good on paper. You could live anywhere in the world, you could fall asleep every night and be afraid of not living another day because bombs have replaced the buildings and gunshots do not sound unfamiliar anymore. You could have had an abusing parent, sibling or teacher but no, none of that has happened either. Your life is so appealing to those who do not even have a tenth of what you own and yet you still lay in bed at night and cry yourself to sleep. You think you have no right to be sad. You think your pain is without reason.
Your entire life is a paradox. But that’s okay. Remember, you do not apologize when you break your leg thus you do not apologize when you feel like you are not worthy of love and happiness.