Don’t try to be modest.
You taught me how to love.
Yes, you did.
For years I was conditioned to believe that “love was a dangerous disadvantage.” As you know, that quote came from my favorite show, “Sherlock” and I had always believed that it was true. Every person I’ve ever come to love has hurt me or led me to believe that it was indeed a disadvantage.
I never got it right. Never. I was abandoned, I gave my whole heart to someone who, in return, shattered what I thought was the best feeling in the world. I was emotionless, rejected my feelings, and buried them inside.
I left myself without a heart because I didn’t think it was worth it to open up to anyone anymore. That wasn’t the case for you.
You were such a good friend. I remember when I told you secrets I have never told anyone. I told you about my fears, and my doubts. I told you about my heartbreak stories, and the tremendous pain I’ve experienced. I noticed myself slowly pouring my heart and soul for you, and eventually wondered why I was doing this. It felt like I had gained a best friend.
I would recall how we sat in the shade every sunny Tuesday and Thursday. We would talk for hours on end. I would lose track of time with you. I wanted to be around you all the time. I wanted to hold your hand, hug you, and kiss your cheek. I wanted to feel what it would be like to kiss you. What would happen if I did?
Then one day, I found myself constantly looking for you in a sea of faces. I wanted to talk to you all the time. I wanted to talk about anything and everything there is to talk about.
I began thinking about you at 4 in the morning wondering if you were thinking about me. I felt like I was in middle school all over again. I was developing a crush. But I wanted to stop myself from doing this.
What if I get hurt again? What if all of this is in my head? What if you don’t want me?
So I convinced myself that you were being a good friend towards me. Even when you gave me gifts, put your arm around me, and held my hand that one time. Even when you poured out your heart as well.
I didn’t think you would want someone like me. But you did. And you told me, one day. “I love you.”
Those three words. I was taken aback. I was never convinced that anyone loved me. But in that moment, I believed you. It showed in your eyes, the way you hold me, and kiss my forehead.
Fast forward a year later, and you’ve been there for me for everything.
You were there when I was stuck in my negativity.
You were there when my grandma passed away.
You were there when I was terrified of going to therapy for my anxiety.
You were there when I told my mom about it too.
You were there for me when you picked me up from that park because I wanted to run away from everything.
You were there when I blamed myself, compared myself, and brought myself down because I felt worthless. And because of this, because of the way you are…
Because of your mind, your beautiful heart, your humor, your silliness, your laugh, the way you get passionate about the things you care about, the way you work for what you want, the way you don’t give up on people…
I love you too.
And I’ve never said those words with such feeling. I’ve never said those words and actually felt something until now.
You taught me what it was like to really fall in love. And I can’t thank you enough for that. So because of this, I promise to love you… I promise to be there for you if you feel like the world is crashing down. I promise to listen to you. I promise to be your best friend… For as long as you will let me.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.