If you are striking out with online dating and leaving singles’ gatherings without new prospects, it’s quite possible that you are shooting out of your league. But how can you know for sure? Do you have what it takes to naturally attract the type of person you typically target?
Author and social psychologist, Dr. Larry Davis challenges single men and women to be brutally honest in determining what their “Romantic Market Value” is — and to target prospective candidates appropriately. He coined the term in the ’90s in his groundbreaking book, Black and Single, which has served as a gentle wake-up call for single love seekers of all backgrounds.
Is “Romantic Market Value” the same for men as it is for women? Are the qualities that make a man desirable and marketable the same qualities that give a woman a competitive edge? The answer is no, as unfair as it may be and as unpopular as it may be to say so. There’s nothing fair about nature and the survival of the fittest, and nowhere is this more evident than in the realm of dating and partnering.
In more than 20 years as a professional matchmaker, I have found that women who are seeking long-term relationships tend to find men with these traits most desirable:
- Successful, financially secure, smart and capable
- Trustworthy, honest, of good and solid moral character, loving
- Fun, funny, communicative, good company
- Attractive (Women can and do develop attraction over time much more so than men can)
- Active, enjoying some key shared passions and activities
A man is most likely to find a woman to be desirable and a candidate for potential relationship if she’s:
- Attractive to him (Both her face and body type)
- Nice, kind, sweet, warm, thoughtful, respectful and appreciative
- Fun to be with, positive, upbeat, a happy person
- Sharing passions, activity interests and compatible lifestyles
- Intelligent and has workplace accomplishments
Can you guess where the trouble is? It’s a mistake for today’s modern day, professional woman to lead with (or overemphasize) her career accomplishments, as none of that matters to him if he’s not attracted to her or if he doesn’t find her to be warm, sweet, and kind (or if he doesn’t get a sense that she can or will appreciate him for who he is). If he senses that she might not be the type to show him sincere respect and admiration, he’ll likely skip right by her and target someone who seems to be more of a “soft place to land” at the end of a hard day. This is why I see men gravitating toward teachers and nurses over trial attorneys and CEOs. Ladies, what is there to do? Don’t quit your job or fib about your degrees or your accomplishments, but do play up your femininity. Practice kindness, use your ears more than your mouth, take great care of your skin, commit to being and staying fit and be diligent about revealing your positive, youthful, playful spirit.
Here’s how Kathy used this information to transform her dating life. She’s a highly successful real estate developer who was baffled when she didn’t get a second date invitation from a man she thought was just perfect for her. He was her male counterpart — a hotelier and a world traveler who’s sincerely looking for the last great love of his life. He was turned off on their first date because she dominated the conversation, focused on business and finance, bragging about her accomplishments forgetting to let him be The Guy. Kathy and I scheduled an emergency dating coaching session and we role-played together, so she could practice sharing from a softer, more feminine place.
Fortunately, I was able to get these two on a second date, during which she opened up beautifully and now they’re on date number seven — so far, so good, as she’s discovering that in order to be with this strong, powerful, masculine man she needs to practice letting him open doors for her, and she needs to let him finish his sentences. She’s discovering that he needs to be listened to, honored and respected, and that her ability to give him that respect is effectively holding his attention.
Kathy emailed me this morning to let me know that her “Romantic Market Value” has gone up, in that she’s now becoming a better listener and that she has a better ability to show sincere appreciation and respect. She’s a smart girl, and I like her chances with this studly man.