You are the living, breathing version of everything my friends have been comforting me with amidst this heartbreak without doing more than simply being my friend.
I know that you were placed in my life as a reminder to me and a reason for me to get back up. A mirror to help me see what I truly need instead of what I thought I wanted.
Despite knowing you for only a few weeks, despite our friendship just beginning, I can undoubtedly say that my life has changed for the better because of you. You have reminded me that I am not the unlovable forever-alone cat lady that I have convinced myself I will be (in addition to the fact that I am allergic to cats). You have proved to me that there are still good people out there in the world as long as I go searching for them.
Before you, I was doubting my worth, so much so, that I was ready to discard my worth to chase crumbs left by a guy who I wasn’t enough for. I was ready to chase someone who didn’t want to be chased, fight for something that would never become mine, and be hurt over and over again. Despite the ache in my chest, the knots in my stomach, and the pain with every breath, I ‘clicked’ with him, something I hadn’t done with someone in a very long time. So I used that as my excuse to stay. I didn’t want to give up someone who could turn my brain off after I had spent years searching for people who made me feel like life was easier around them. I refused to listen to my friends, refused to walk away, and more than that, I ran straight back to the pain.
But you, you reminded me what it’s like to be in a budding relationship (friendship) where I can be myself. Even though we argued for the first 20 minutes of meeting, you shattered my belief that I was too walled off to ‘click’ with people, that I don’t have to desperately hold onto someone who’s hurting me just because I connected with them. Because of you, I found my value in spite of how people treat me and my ability or lack thereof to relate to them.
When I opened up about struggling to get out of bed in the mornings, you didn’t shrug it off, you didn’t just acknowledge it and move on, you stopped and encouraged me. You reminded me that I have someone in my corner even when I feel like I don’t and when I played it off cool, brushing off your comment, you made sure to circle back to it, emphasizing your willingness to have my back. When I showed you the deepest and darkest parts of my mind, expecting you to run, you stayed and commended me for trying to better myself and coming to terms with my flaws. You poked and prodded your way into my mind and didn’t object when I did the same, never shying away from my random spurts of deep questions but embraced them, really spending the time to think them through.
I thought that the best I could do was what I had been given, that my expectations should be low in terms of what I seek in relationships, that the work they required would always make me feel worthless and unlovable.
You were my cue to realize that when the work is equally shared, the work that is needed in all my relationships won’t feel like a dead weight. You held up the mirror and showed me that I do not have to be Atlas, holding up my relationships alone on my shoulders because good relationships, healthy relationships are the ones where the work is not burdensome.
Perhaps our friendship comes so easily because we’re both nursing broken hearts. When I am weak and I jokingly tell you I’m pathetic, you’re there telling me that it’s normal because you were there yesterday or will be in that same position next week. More than understanding what I’m going through, you’re living it alongside me and struggling with the same things that I am. While you don’t enable my crazy ideas or actions, you also make me feel valid in my emotions, you understand them and where I’m coming from.
In a time where I have been at my lowest for a few weeks, you serve as a beacon of hope for the future, you made me see my own value, to accept myself and not settle for anything less than what I deserve.
You were the man I desperately needed in my life to serve as a reminder that there are others out there like you, to stop chasing after a boy who made me feel worthless.
So if you are like me and have forgotten your self-worth, let me be the first to remind you that you are lovable, you are strong and you are enough. Never let a person dictate your worth.