So you are just about to leave the nest and move into your first apartment, completely alone. You are scared, anxious, and paranoid that a mass murderer will come and attack you during the night.
Everyone you know keeps asking, “Aren’t you scared?” Yes. You are petrified, but you smile and say, “I can’t wait.” So now you are sitting at home Googling: ‘What Is It Like To Live Alone?’ Look no further, because this is the life you will live.
The First Days
The first few days after moving into your brand-new apartment, nobody will leave you alone. Everybody will want to come over. You will feel completely and utterly overwhelmed with people, and they just won’t leave you alone. You will still have so many pieces of furniture from IKEA that you will want to build, boxes everywhere that you will want to crush and clean out.
Your apartment will be 100% trashed and the only thing you’ll want to do is clean and yet all of these people will keep coming. Your friends and family will bring you food baskets, cleaning supplies — everything you need so you won’t have to hit the stores for a few weeks.
Soon, the novelty will wear off and that’s when you will have your freedom, that’s when you will see what it’s really like living alone.
Your first grocery shop will need to be done, and as you walk into the store you will be confident and happy. After all, you’ve done this shop a million times before with Mum. You get your trolley, because you know you need the basics: Bread, butter, milk… Now, what?
You had NO IDEA the store was full of so many different things and you can’t even decide what you want to eat that night, let alone three or four days later. You will end up walking around the store for a good hour or so just looking at all the different things before you walk into the freezer section and see a blessing — frozen meals!
Just throw them in the microwave for 8 minutes and you’re done. No washing up. Just eat out of the container, buy plastic forks that you can throw in the bin, and you won’t even need to wash those stupid pots. Your microwave is your new BFF.
You’ll come home from work and the first thing you will want to do is take off that stupid bra. You’ll put on your pajamas and then you will relax after your crazy long day. Soon that ritual will develop and you will end up walking around in your knickers, and then suddenly you will find yourself eating your microwave lasagne in your birthday suit.
You will be surprised by all of the activities you can do naked. You will end up jumping out of the shower and you will let yourself air dry while you are dancing in slow-motion to Adele!
The time will come when you will need to clean your apartment, but you will end up pumping up the music and partying all night long. You’ll use the sweeping brush as your microphone and the mop bucket as your dancing partner. You may even have a glass of wine to help you calm your nerves as you are performing in front of all of those creepy crawlies.
You’ll see how much fun it can be cleaning your house with the curtains shut, and you will never want to open them again. You’ll be singing at the top of your voice while washing the coffee cups you’ve let build up, and bubbles will be flying everywhere!
Cleaning the bathroom will always be the best, though, because the acoustics are better in there.
On weeknights, you will become so bored that waiting for the microwave to beep will be the main event. You’ll probably start playing games with your food. ‘How slow can I eat this lasagne?’ This should certainly become an Olympic event.
Most people will tell you to take up a new hobby, but the truth is, you’ve become so lazy that you now order your groceries online with delivery even though the shop is a 5 minute walk away from your house. In time, you will do all your shopping online, because who wants to go to the shop anyway?
Besides, you have a new hobby. You are now a professional performer. The best thing I ever did was buy a gaming console, although I did get bored of it very quickly. That’s why I started playing after a few glasses of wine. Not only did it help me sleep at night, but there’s something absolutely crazy about playing video games drunk!
Your new apartment is under your control, so you’ve probably bought yourself some form of a pet and live together in harmony. And you’ve probably killed about 100 different plants by now and your neighbors probably hate you for performing at two in the morning.
But your apartment is yours and nobody can take that away from you. No one else’s opinion matters, because you are the Lord and nobody rules above you (unless your new pet is a cat).
Eventually, you’ll realize that you had no reason to worry about being alone in the first place. And sometimes, you will wonder if you could ever live with someone else again.