In one of my classes my junior year of high school, I had a teacher who said that no matter what she did or how far her heart wandered, all it would take was one picture on Facebook that would bring her back to her ex husband. She said her heart still skipped a beat, her stomach would flutter with butterflies despite it being years and years since they’d been together. A part of her still loved him.
At the time, I remember finding this stupid. I remember thinking she should just move on for good. Little did I know, that I soon learned that love is incapacitating when it’s true. There’s nothing you can do to make it better.
You try to control it, it destroys you.
You try to imprison it, it enslaves you.
You try to understand it, it leaves you feeling so, so lost in the world.
You can’t tame a love of the truest force. That’s why my teacher still loves her ex husband. That’s why I still love you.
You are in my muscle memory, every part of my body remembers how easy it was to slip my hand in yours, how easy it was to lay my head on your shoulder. I could curl up against you with my eyes closed, or on the days where I’d forgotten how to do anything else. I’m almost sure I’d forget how to ride a bike before I forget how easy it was to love you.
I’ll never be able to love someone as pure and as simply as I loved you. You took the purest part of me away, my whole heart, and it still lies within your hands. Ten years down the road if you needed me and you were a thousand miles away, I’d drop everything and fly to you without a second thought. No matter how far I roam, who I’m with, I’d come straight back to you.
You’ll always be my first. My first true, true love. You could be in a burning house unable to leave, and I’d burn up with you, fire surrounding us and all. The wind will still whisper your name in my ears. You are the part of me that will remain locked away, and I don’t even hold the key. I love you, I always will.