You Played Me

Back view of a woman wearing a floral crown in a garden in The Outback Farm.
Zoe Deal / Unsplash

When I say “I love you more” I am not just talking about the fact that I love you more than you love me. 

I’m not talking about the love I have for you in comparison to those that became before you. The “love” I had for them does not amount to a fifth of what I feel for you.

I’m not talking about the love I have for you in comparison to those who will come after you. At this moment, the universe, against all odds, managed to make us cross paths again — it almost makes me think that we were meant to last.

I’m talking about how I love you more than the days ahead of us. I’ll love you more after every fight. I’ll love you more even when you’re out in a party without me to watch your every move. I love you more than the doubts I have about us. I love you more than our bad days. I love you more than our good days.

I love you more at this moment before I even knew it and long after we’re over.

Many faces later, I thought I knew what love meant. I thought that love was supposed to be exciting, a new adventure every day. I thought that love was all about the chase.

But with you? boy, I was so wrong. Love isn’t just all about excitement. It’s all about the feeling of warmth and security. It’s not supposed to feel like a rollercoaster. Your love felt like home. It was safe and stable. You proved to me that love shouldn’t be about the chase. It should be about being chosen. 

At first, that was what happened you, chose me. no, correction — you chose us. You chose to fight for us against anything whether it was distance, petty arguments or the “I’m just too busy moments.”

But recently, you failed me, you failed us. you got tired and didn’t want to fight for us. I never understood why you gave up so quickly. for the longest time, I played an invisible tug-of-war game to win you back, to reel you back in, to reel you back closer to me. For the longest time, I was okay with putting the effort. I was okay with sacrificing everything. I gave my everything in the game to get you back. we used to be a team; player 1 and player 2.

But I never knew that you were not in this anymore.

You left the battle. You turned our relationship into a game. You played me, and let me be played.

Despite all that, I knew that I love you more than the inevitable pain I’ll experience when you finally leave me. Because no one ever stays.

Finally, I’ll still love you more when all your love runs out and I’ll hear you say something I already saw coming :

“It’s not you anymore.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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