8 Things You Just Don’t Say To An Asian
By Julian Choi
I have been a personal victim to all of these offenses. Enjoy.
1. “I made an incredible bowl of Asian noodles last night.”
Stop. I don’t care. That’s like me telling you about how much I enjoyed my “American” cheeseburger last night.
2. “Ni hao! Wo-duh ming d-zih Jason!”
No, I don’t speak Chinese. My parents are from Korea and I only communicate en Ingles.
3. “I see you’re from the Orient.”
It’s not racist to call us Asians, because guess what? We’re Asians. Plus it sounds like you’re describing a genus of exotic toadstools. So become an expert and just call me an Asian.
4. “You all look alike.”
Yeah, because I without any doubt, look like a total carbon copy of Lucy Liu or Brenda Song.
5. “Hey, girl, I only date Asians.”
I am not a fetish. I repeat—I am not a FETISH. I will not smile adoringly as I wash your dishes and let you have all the unprotected sex you want. I will, however, shove my foot up your ass and give you a huge lecture on feminism and racial degradation.
6. “I know more about your culture than you do.”
Shhhh. Ssssssshhhhh. It’s OK, child; just close your eyes and jump off the island of all your bullshit.
7. “You’re a banana.”
Yellow on the outside and white on the inside? HELL NO. I may speak English and avoid listening to K-Pop, but I’m sure as hell not a fucking banana. Sorry.
8. “Will you do my math homework for me?”
I’m sorry, what are all these squiggly mihigglies? Math? MATH? NO, I’M ALLERGIC. LET ME CALL MY EXTERMINATOR AGAIN.