With you I felt safe and calm. I felt worthy and wanted. But you didn’t want to be together. You wanted me when you wanted me and you said you needed to find yourself. You left for six months to go find whoever you were looking for and in those six months I feel like I’ve been holding my breathe. Hoping and wanting for you to change your mind and tell me you want to be with me.
Everyday I fantasized about what would happen when you got back. Would you call me? Would we see each other and fall madly in love? Would you realize you wanted to be with me? I rehearsed in my head what I would say to you. What I had learned in the past six months.
That I had started doing yoga and found a need for stillness in my life. That I had been trying to focus on living in the moment instead of getting so caught up in the before and after. That I had realized I need to have more fun and let go every now and then. That relationships are incredibly important to me and that I want to invest in them more. That doing creative work gives me life and to be able to do it is such a gift. That I finally am starting to feel hopeful and I’m not constantly worried that everything is going to fall apart.
I rehearsed these things in my head day in and day out. And then you came back. But you didn’t call. You didn’t text. I’m finally gasping for air after holding my breathe for so long and it feels like I’m living on a planet with no oxygen. I can’t breathe. The reality is you don’t care, you probably never did.
And it’s heartbreaking because I spent so many months fantasizing about the what ifs.
But maybe you were never really supposed to be real. Maybe the idea of you was only there to serve as a reflection, to keep me moving forward. Maybe you were only a mirror.
Maybe this entire time I thought I spent rehearsing what I was going to say to you, I was only trying to send a message to myself. You are lovable. You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are growing. You are capable.
Perhaps you came into my life not so I could fall in love with someone else but so I could fall in love with myself.